led by love

Existential Humanity: A Truth

courtney — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 02:40:01 GMT

He holds one sign while another is taped to the back of a more-than-well-worn jacket. The sign reads as follows:

Vietnam Vet
Homeless
Very Poor
Please Help

He has a friendly face. He sports a big white beard and some obviously tired shoes. His clothes appear far from new; he wears hat touting memories of his time in the service. He has kind but weary eyes. He could be an alcoholic or maybe he isn't. He could be schizophrenic, but maybe he's not. He could be your neighbor, your uncle, your best friend, your banker, the clerk at the grocery store. He could be your arch nemesis or your best friend. He could be any of these things, but I know only the following...

He's a Vietnam Vet
He's Homeless
He's Very Poor
And he is looking for Help

Today was our second encounter with this individual. Previously, we crossed paths a few weeks back. It was cold, much colder than today. It was snowing just a bit--the wet, soggy, oh-so-typical-Chicago variety of precipitation. The six of us were in the angel van when we saw his figure in the dusk. Bear, our ever-perceptive five year old, said, "Mom? This guy looks like he needs help. Why is he outside when it's snowing like this?" Upon this statement, a discussion about homelessness, appreciation, love, empathy, compassion, and gratitude ensued. While our girls are too young (developmentally and chronologically speaking), our son...he really "got" it. I hunted about my wallet to find my remaining cash--a crumpled five dollar bill--and handed it to K. to pass through his window. I could scarcely make out the features of his face, but a quiet voice thanked K. profusely and ended with a "God bless you".

I thought about this man for hours that night. As I snuggled up under blankets in a heated home, I thought about "haves" and "have nots". I don't know his story, this man's. He could be vicious, feeding a dire addiction, down on his luck, or simply out of options. He could be faking it for all I know. He could be a sociologist, or he could be psychopath. But at the end of the day, it simply doesn't matter. It doesn't. While our current financial state leaves a bit to be desired, we *have*. We have each other, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and more material items than we *need*. And as down on our luck as we have been in the past, we've always had enough. In my opinion, even if you're just getting by, you have enough. It might not be comfortable, but at the end of the day...it's still enough.

Today, we saw the same man, wearing the same clothes, shoes, and jacket, toting the same weathered signs. We were roughly ten miles from the spot where we first encountered this man, but today...the sun was shining. At the stoplight, I frantically searched through my wallet for something to give him. Empty. I looked in the angel van's cup holders, felt about under the seat for a moment. Nothing. But before the light changed, a five dollar bill seemed to float from the bottom of my bag to the top. I rolled down my window and he approached the angel van. "Thanks so much, hon. Really," he said. Pausing but not missing a beat, he flashed a million dollar smile and said, "And hey, I really like your hair". I thanked him, wished him well, and we drove away. We drove back to our heated home, with our full pantry and secure shelter. We are the "haves", not the "have nots". It's easy to think things are so impossibly trying, that our hardships definitively exemplify the very word "hard". A few hours later, Bear turned to me and said, "I'm glad we could help that man out again, mama. Maybe we'll even see him again."

At home, I found a five dollar bill under a stack of papers I hadn't given so much as a glance in several days. It's in my wallet now, but it's earmarked for a purpose that is outside of a cup of gas station coffee and a single gallon of gas. One of the most amazing people I know once said "we are all in this thing called 'life' together". Of the lessons I've learned in my thirty-one years, this is probably one of the most poignant and profound. To the man outside, asking for help while watching countless people shift their eyes to avoid your gaze, hang on. I pray that your life will improve dramatically and if we never see you again, I hope it is because the winds changed and your luck has shifted. But should we cross paths again, I will have another crumpled five dollar bill for you. And from this point on, I will never be without one no matter what it takes. And the moment my eyes lay sight on your figure, it's yours. It's not much, but it's yours all the same. It might not make a bit of difference in the big picture, but I hope that, in some tiny way, it helps out with even the most insignificant of everyday living--even if it's something the "haves" of this world take for granted. A cup of coffee, a gas station sandwich, a bus ride--hell, an addition to your cigarette fund--whatever...I hope you know that I am tied to you as much as I am tied to Bill Gates. We are all tied together. And I am grateful for this.

Hang on, my friend, in this crazy life and sometimes messy world. Thank you for your service to our country, and please keep your head up even in the moments when you feel as though you are no longer waving but drowning. I have hope the sun will rise for you, and the darkest hour--always just before dawn--will one day be a distant memory. Hang on, my friend. Please just hang on.

Winter.

courtney — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 02:22:03 GMT

I remember a time when winter brought out a desolate sadness that I held deep within me. I remember those days so clearly.

Alone, sprawled on my back across the king-sized bed in my condo (shared with my then-husband), my knees hanging off the side, smoking a cigarette I bummed with the ashtray carefully balanced under my ribcage. I never smoked in that residence (I by no means considered it a "home") before that very moment. Sure, maybe on the balcony when I was so intoxicated that the stars seemed to transcribe secret messages--just for me--across the sky, but even then...never inside our cold, "cozy" domain. I had been prescribed a rather strong painkiller for these pounding, endless headaches, and one of the best side effects was the ability the pills gave me to just...be. Cloudy and clear all at once. In disarray and yet utterly complete, the perfect dichotomy.

And I was. I was lightness and darkness. I don't remember the song spinning at that very moment but I do remember I wore beat up, thick-soled, high heels--the ankle strap kind--and one was dangling off my foot in a rather careless fashion. Improper shoes for a snowfall, but that was my usual modus operandi, I suppose.

As I remained almost motionless in the drowsy space between reality and unconsciousness, I remember feeling the beat of my heart as it coursed blood through my body. I was young then, with no sense of mortality. I could do anything, go anywhere, be anyone. The saint and the sinner in one package. The lover, the fighter. A little girl and an (almost kinda sorta) woman.

I suppose, in retrospect, I lived rather selfishly. I was always one for "living in the moment". I never subscribed to the notion of regret. Impulse control began to seem rather aimless, boring, a shiftless shape, and I once I realized I could control (the lack of my) control, I lived selfishly.

That's not to say I wasn't wounded along the way by others, by myself. I was, of course. Impulse control or lack thereof not withstanding, I was weathered, beaten down, exhausted. At that very moment...I felt as though my steady breathing was the only thing able to lift the weight off me, from me. In that quiet, I became myself again--if only for a moment. My fingers and toes were freezing, but I was living the life--if only mentally--that I thought I would've lived at that very moment. I was the person I thought I would've become. Calculated, controlled. Elegant. Graceful and gracious and brimming with goodness and light.

In real time, however...I knew I was none of those things. I was a train wreck in a semi-neatly wrapped package. If you could get past the smeared mascara, the knots in my hair, the run in my nylons, and the bitten-down-to-a-quick nails, maybe I could play the part. I had confident eyes and a winning smile. But I had no sense of self because at that time, I didn't need it. I was the victim. I was the perpetrator. I was Joan of Arc and Mary Magdalene. I was anything and everything. And sometimes, I was nothing, too.

Once you live "freely" (and I use that term loosely), transitioning to a life of constraint (even self-chosen and strongly desired constraint) is a strange adjustment. When I found out there was a budding life within my body, I become wildly protective of myself, of this little creature within me. I built a few walls; I tore others down. I became so very aware that nothing is forever. That I was not and am not forever. That my days of selfish living were heading on their way to falling into my past.

Still, at that very moment, as the cigarette burned down to where I could uncomfortably feel the heat on my fingertips, I was immortal and destroyed and imperfect and hopelessly hopeful. I ground the very last of said cigarette into the ashtray and stood up, brushing myself off. I needed lipstick, and my winter coat. I was getting up, I was going out, I was going on.

"Let it go // this too shall pass..."

courtney — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 22:55:22 GMT

[x] Happy FOURTH Birthday to my sweet Sunshine! I'm now the proud mom of two awesome four year olds. I think she's had a great day so far, and she so deserves it. She's brought us more joy than I could ever possibly describe. It seems like we met her only yesterday, but in the same breath...I can't remember a life without her. I love this little girl so much, I do, I do. <3

[x] The remaining trifecta is doing well. Bear, while having the ever-so-expected five year old mood swings, is still loving Kindergarten. The Kindergarteners, 1st, and 2nd graders at his school started a basketball league and he signed up. Practice starts next week. He is so excited (and I am, too). K. is going to be an assistant coach. So cute! Beauty is doing well, too. We're having her reevaluated later this month (did I already blog about this?) because she's still measuring a year behind in basically everything. She's got a hugely proactive teacher this year, and she's been really instrumental in backing our concerns. We are both elated that someone is finally listening to us! Obviously, we want the best for Beauty and her teacher does, too. It's so good. And so very refreshing. LF is talking up a storm. A lot of it is "babble speak" but she's trying to communicate and we couldn't be more proud. I've been trying to catch an "in action" (talking) video clip on my phone for her mom, but so far I haven't had much luck. Such a stinker--she knows when I'm trying to videotape her, I just know it! Some of her words are becoming really clear, too. Awesome! And she's doing great with her DT-V (and we absolutely love her--have I mentioned that?). We're hoping to get both LF and Sunshine into The Chicago Lighthouse's low-vision clinic as soon as humanly possible. At the last optho appointment, both of them were deemed to have healthy eyes but we really need the type of eval TCL can provide. Our pediatrician faxed over a referral so we will hopefully hear back within a few weeks. So far, so good. All four kids are awesome, but admittedly...I might be a bit biased, no?

[x] We have OMGSOMANY appointments coming up. Seventeen by June to be exact. Craziness! Between LF and Sunshine, we have quite the schedule. February is rather ridiculous. And by "rather", I kinda sorta mean "entirely". But it's all good. February also holds my favorite-ever holiday (yes, my favorite holiday is, in fact, Valentine's Day). I know, I know...let the hating begin. Blah, blah, blah, hallmark-holiday-shouldn't-take-a-day-to-show-your-love-you-should-do-so-all-year, blah, blah, blah. But I see it like this: winter, especially after Christmas, can be kind of, well, bare. Maybe even a little desolate and/or depressing if snow and cold isn't your thing. Valentine's Day is a bright spot, a random time to celebrate friendship and love. So those fundamentally opposed to V-Day, don't try to rain on my parade, okay? Haters to the left!

[x] I went for another tattoo a few days ago. It's itchy and annoying right now, but it's healing beautifully. Unfortunately, I still have another two hours on it (owwwww!). But the artist behind my half-sleeve-in-progress, David Allen, is incredible. Not only does he completely debunk the "I'm so much cooler than you" tattoo artist stereotype, but he is so full of heart and depth and authenticity that he's the kind of person you'd want to know even if he's wasn't working his magic all over your skin. His talent speaks for itself, and I can pretty much guarantee I'll never go to another artist as long as I live (well, provided David stays in Chicago forever, that is . I've set up several sessions from April through October in hope that I'll be able to complete the half sleeve by the time we renew our vows in November. But even then, I have so many other projects I want to tackle. I want to turn the half sleeve into a full one, and finish out my other arm (and it still has quite some work left). And then there's the piece I want on my leg...yeah, the list is pretty much endless. So it goes. I love getting tattooed (and semi-related, I love this commercial, too). I'm not one for needles, but the end result...oh, man. It's just so worth it.

[x] Since, say, my birthday in November, I've been on a journey of self-discovery. It's been pretty amazing, albeit challenging at times. I really dig it. The older I get, the more I learn about who I am, what makes me tick, how grateful I am for all I've been given, all I've experienced (even the bad), and all those who make my world what it is. I'm really, really into appreciation right now. I've picked up meditation on the regular again, and it's made a tremendous difference in both my energy level and my overall outlook. We've hit some stressful points as of late in which I'm reminded that money is, in fact, the root of all that's evil in this world, but I've been able to turn it around as soon as it springs into action. I keep saying "this too shall pass", and it will. Keeping the faith is keeping it real, you know?

[x] My brother's birthday is at the end of this month, and man...I miss him. I wish New Mexico was located in place of, say, Indiana. Our relationship has really developed over the past few years and for that, I am so, so grateful. I have no doubt that he's in my corner, and I hope he has no doubt that I'm in his. Wish we could spend his birthday with him. Anyone have a teleporter?

[x] Speaking of travel, Bear has it in his head that we're going to Disney this year. It was February, but now our (non-existent) trip might be in April instead. Where did he get this? How do kids come up with this sort of thing? Maybe we'll win a vacation and he just has a gut feeling about it. I could rock out Disney. Personally, I'd be happier with a trip here, but hey...if Bear's premonition is right, a free trip is a free trip, no?

[x] Okay, I've gotta get a move on and put the finishing touches on Sunshine's cake. It's been beautiful here in the Chicagoland area--uncharacteristically warm--but within the next few days, winter is supposed to move on in. I'm ready for it. The kids are waiting (im)patiently for snow. And so is K., since he happens to have an amazing snow thrower. He is dying to test that baby out. And this is all from a guy who hates winter with every fiber of his being.

Peace, my friends! <3

The Julie Project.

courtney — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:19:08 GMT

This is worth your time. This is worth your tears.

I somehow never posted this blog, even though the date of the draft states November 2, 2011. No matter, it's still as vital now as it was then.

I thought about posting my thoughts along with this link, but have decided against it. I'd rather you have the same experience as I did...no precursor fluff, just sheer substance. It might be considered NSFW (nudity, not pornography), so open carefully in the company of others or at your place of employment.

I hope you take as much from it as I did.

<3

Out with the old, in with the new...

courtney — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:15:04 GMT

[x] You know it's been awhile when you have to read the last post you wrote since it was sooooo long ago, you haven't the foggiest idea of what was said. OVER A MONTH (!) since my last entry. One of these days, I'll stick with the "blog-at-least-once-a-week" goal I arbitrarily set for myself (over and over and over). So let's play catch up...

[x] Thanksgiving was lovely, albeit simple. It was an entirely vegan meal and for that, I felt especially grateful. My parents are such good sports, I tell you. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Don't get me wrong...I have a lot to be thankful for every year, but this year...yeah, it's definitely topped the charts in a million different ways.

[x] December brought a bit of stress, but the good outweighed the bad tenfold.

+ K. had a lot of time off in December. It was fantastic. I think it's safe to say we are more in love than ever and it feels so very good. <3
+ K. was off work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and NYE (our anniversary) both this year *and* next. Leap year FTW.
- The kids have been sick on and off. Bear had a hacking cough, LF had a cold, and Sunshine was hit hard AGAIN in December. I don't have the time to detail it all out, but ugh...ready to kick all this sickness ish to the curb, once and for all. It's my one gripe about the winter weather, I tell you.
+ My best friend (since the first grade, mind you) found out that her baby-on-the-way is a GIRL! I am SO excited to be an auntie; I cannot wait for April to arrive! When I get to thinking about it all, I feel so excited that I could just burst! I already shopped off her registry and I can't wait until the items I purchased arrive at my house. I'm beyond crazy about this little girl already. <3
- We were in a car accident. In our beloved angel van. And it was, unfortunately, K.'s fault. And we did, of course, annihilate a Lexus (the driver was fine, though). Huge props to the CPD, the CFD (especially the two amazing paramedics who took us to Children's despite being oh-so-close to Northwestern), Chicago's Streets & Sanitation, and CMH (their pediatric ER is second to none, I tell you).
+ While that's been a little stressful, things have calmed down a bit. We're hoping to finish repairs to the angel van (it's still totally drivable, though) by the end of this month/early next month. It could've been a lot worse and for that alone, I am so, so thankful.
- Three years ago last month brought such intense joy with a positive pregnancy test, but ended in heartbreak due to miscarriage.
+ Four years ago, December brought such intense joy with the arrival of my sweet Beauty. I will forever remember weeping openly in O'Hare upon holding her for the first time. She is such a true light in my life. <3
+ By law, we had to foster Sunshine for six months before we could move toward an adoption plan. Well, we hit the six month mark in mid-December! Oh, how I adore this little girl so! I swear...with the four kids I've got? I'm the luckiest mom in the world. <3
+ LF is switched rather unsuccessfully to a toddler bed, but we've been trying different solutions and so far...so good. She's back in toddler bed action. She also started speech therapy and is absolutely rocking it; in the past few weeks alone, she's really tried to imitate sounds and words. She is amazing.
+ We attended an IEP review for Sunshine and holy cow, am I ever impressed with her progress! She's totally "getting" cause and effect and is rocking out switch use (with her cheek). It's amazing to watch and even just thinking about it now...I am bursting with pride.
+ Bear has been extra helpful around the house as of late. He'll do anything for his sisters, I tell you--especially LF. She's had him wrapped around her finger since the day she arrived. I love it so much. And I love, love, love the love they share. So beautiful, so pure, so very good.
+ Christmas was amazing this year for so many different reasons. The kids loved their gifts and I felt "more" this year than I ever have. It was beautiful, and I am so grateful for the many incredible people in my life.
+ We had our tree and decorations down by the early morning hours of 12/25. Forreal! We needed space for all the kids' new loot so it worked out beautifully.
+ I finally got my new(est) tattoo. After the miscarriage, I wanted to find something to symbolize Bean but I wasn't ready for a long, long time. I finally felt ready, and getting the image I chose (it's beautiful) to symbolize Bean, renewal, and rebirth was very, very healing for me. I told K. that I wouldn't be able to do it until I found a great sense of peace in my heart. It's been a long time coming, but that peace...it is finally here. I'm planning to make a half sleeve of the project over time. I went to a new artist (and subsequently, a new studio), and his talent is just unreal. I'm beyond elated with the results, and that's putting it mildly.
+ NYE was quiet and low key, just the way we like it. I had a hair appointment (entirely pink now!) and we spent the night together as a family. This NYE also marked our sixth wedding anniversary. Six years already! It's been an incredible ride, and there is no one else on this earth who completes me so beautifully. I truly married "up". I couldn't ask for more in a husband. Our love has been entirely renewed this year and it is an indescribable feeling of pure bliss. So yeah...things are good.
+ I feel very positive about 2012 for so many different reasons. I feel more vibrant and full of life and passion than I've felt in years. I feel so full of hope, so full of love. I took a big deep breath upon leaving the house this morning and my lungs felt as though they've never been so grateful to just experience the air. I am determined to make the most of 2012 in every possible way. It's going to be a helluva ride, but I'm strapped in and ready to rock.

[x] I have lots more to blog about, but I just wanted to dip my toe back in the proverbial blogging pond with a general update. I really do miss writing here and while I'm not one for "resolutions", I hope to write here with at least a tiny bit of regularity. But time will tell, no?

Happy 2012, my friends! My love to you and yours and all the best for an amazing new year! <3

Gratitude.

courtney — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 13:59:31 GMT

What do you do when "thank you" just isn't enough?

(And for the record, I'm asking this as a legitimate question.)

Let me clarify this as well: it's not the recipient of the "thank you" who thinks it's not enough. It's you, the "thanker", personally.

So what do you do? How can you adequately show what's in the depths of your heart, what's filling your soul from top to bottom? What do you do when you know--you KNOW--you'll never be able to repay the kindness? What do you do then?

How do you thank someone for the beauty brought to your world, for your renewed faith in blue skies and sunshine and endless oceans of promise and possibility? For filling your cup with so much joy that it's in a constant state of overflow, deep enough in which to swim? What do you do when words fail you time and time again, when it is absolutely impossible to express the immense gratitude you feel at every turn? When you're so consumed by said thankfulness and a refreshed sense of joy that you can barely think of anything else? When the very beats of your heart seem to resonate the words "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you"?

What do you do when "thank you" just isn't enough?

(And my heart says again, and my heart beats always, "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you".)

Adoption Bloggers Interview Project: 2011

courtney — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 05:01:00 GMT

This year, I am taking part in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project (as orchestrated by the absolutely amazing Heather!). I was paired with an awesome PAP (prospective adoptive parent), Jenna, of Filling Our Castle. I loved getting to know her by reading both her blog and her responses to my questions (below). Without further ado, it is with great pleasure that I now introduce you to the Queen of the Castle, Jenna...

[Note: After you're done learning about Jenna, go check out some other interviews here!]

1. Let's start with the generic, ever-expected inquiry: what led you to adoption?

I’ve always wanted to adopt. When I was younger I never understood why people would have children when there were children already born that needed families. After getting married we looked into adoption and realized that they basically wanted your soul to adopt. We were not in a position to adopt so we decided to have biological children first. 6 years later we found out that my husband has Sertoli Cell Only Syndrome which renders him infertile. We’ve done the biopsies and retrieved 0 sperm. We decided since his job paid for a certain amount of infertility treatments we would try that first since it was cheaper. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! The drugs made me crazy and the outcome spun us both into depressions. I decided that adoption was the only choice and that I wanted to do it soon. We ran the chapter of Gift of Adoption in Nebraska for 2 years and stepped down due to lack of support and the need to fundraise for our own adoption. We recently filled out the application for Lutheran Family Services and will find out in February if we were accepted into their adoption program. We are also asking everyone to put the word out that we are willing to do a private open adoption too!

2. Define your ideal open adoption situation. What does it look like for you? The first parent(s)? The child?

Our ideal adoption is open with the option to limit our contact. We realize the importance of having the first parents as part of our extended family but want the option to limit contact if the situation is less than ideal. We would probably want to start out with care packages set up every 3 months where we send pictures, letters and videos with the option to send more as we see fit. I would LOVE to do a Picture A Day for our FPs and have them come visit and share our holidays with us but we are scared of that as well. Our IDEAL open adoption would be with amazing but we are realists (well…Hubby is a realist who keeps me grounded. I’m the optimist!) and know that we will probably end up somewhere in between what we don’t want and what we want. I truly want to be able to count the FPs as part of our family. My husband is worried they will be ax murderers or druggies. We are flexible on the terms of our open adoption.

3. In your opinion, what's the most pressing issue in terms of adoption reform?

I think that adoptions shouldn’t cost an arm and a leg. This makes it prohibitive to families wanting to give a child a home but unable to afford $15k-$40k. I think that medical records should be freely given and that adoptive parents should be able to make an informed decision. It’s not fair to the child if a family believing their new child is perfectly healthy and accepts to take a child with special needs. That family may not be prepared to deal with the difficulties that are now presented to them.

4. What led you to choose/decide upon your agency?

There are two that are recommended in our area. One has about 3 adoptions a year and 10 openings for parents and a 10 couple waiting list. One has 7-10 adoptions a year, 25 openings for parents and about 10 people on the waiting list. It made sense to go with the agency that has more openings per year.

5. What is your biggest adoption-related fear?

That child won’t bond with us and that the first parents will be crazy intrusive. That and that I’ll always feel guilty for raising someone else’s baby instead of supporting them to raise their child.

6. Okay, so what's your biggest non-adoption related fear?

Totally afraid of the drain. In my version of hell, I’m trapped on the bottom of the swimming pool forever being sucked down by the drain or in a sand pit where the drains are big enough to suck down a small car. I think it’s the unknown that scares me the most. That doesn’t mean that I will recognize it as an irrational fear and clean out the drain or touch the drain in the bathroom though! Don’t even think about it!!

7. You're stranded on an island and can take only the following material items: one foodstuff/food item, one album, one photograph, and one book. What have you selected?

Food: A never ending supply of Rosa Maria Chicken from Carrabba’s

Album: the compilation album I made for our road trip from NJ to Ohio. It’s full of Sarah Bareillis (before she was popular!), Michael Buble, Josh Groban, Snow Patrol, One Republic, Carolina Liar (before they were popular!) and Rob Thomas.

Photo: The black and white photo I have of Me and Hubs from Chuck E Cheese this summer! He’s looking at me knowingly and I’m cheesing right into the camera. It reminds me of how much fun we have together and out first date.

8. In your opinion, what makes a "good" mother?

A good mother is someone who takes time to be with their children and builds them up instead of tearing them down. I don’t want my children to look back our years together and say “All she ever did was make me feel worthless,” Or “All I wanted from her was to feel like she was proud of me.” I want to be the June Cleaver of mothers. I want to have healthy snacks ready for them when they come home and be able to help them with their homework. I want to teach them compassion for others and for themselves. Nobody is perfect and I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for my mother. I don’t want that for my children.

9. What attracted you to your husband? Where did you go on your first date? And tell me about the proposal!

My husband was the HOTTEST guy at the local department store where my boyfriend worked. He was funny, smart, and GORGEOUS. I knew that I had to have him. Every girl wanted him but I was going to take the prize!! So I guess you could say that my competitiveness was the reason we went out. The reason we stayed together is because he can talk for hours on any given subject (because his favorite website is Wikipedia and he researches every question that pops into his head!!) and I love that he usually doesn’t make me feel stupid when I ask a question or ask for an explanation.

We went to Chuck E. Cheese’s on our first date and spent the night climbing the tubes (oh to be small enough to fit in a tube comfortably again!) and organizing the kids into ball pit wars against the other person. Our second date was to a classical music concert at the local university. Eclectic, huh?!

Sadly I don’t remember a DAMN WORD of what he said when he proposed. I remember that it was with a pink rose that he said was “for the future” and that I kissed him and he said “Ow” because I squeezed his face and he had just had his wisdom teeth pulled! All of the flowers he gets me now have a pink rose hidden in the bouquet. He’s such a sweetie!

10. Has everyone in your life been supportive of your decision to adopt? If the answer is no, has said individual given you any reason as to his/her concern?

My sister cant’ understand why I want to adopt instead of having our own children. I haven’t told her about our infertility because she uses everything I say against me in future arguments. She thinks that because we are adopting that we are rich and that we should always be helping her out. We stopped giving her money YEARS ago when we realized we were just subsidizing her druggy life style. I guess our biggest fear is that we will have a first mom that is my sister…

11. How important is it to you to be the one (well, be the oneS, I should say!) to name your son/daughter? And why is it important/semi-important/unimportant?

It’s VERY important to us. We don’t get to give our child that magical link to our family tree via DNA we would like to give them a connection to our history by their names. We’ve had our baby names picked out FOREVER: Andrew Michael, Jacen Thomas, Georgianna Elyse and Charlotte Danyel. Each name is directly related to a loved family member…Daniel Andrew (uncle), Georgia Thomas (Deceased Grandmother), Joshua Charles (uncle), Randy Michael (Popop).

12. Where do you see yourself in five years?

In 5 years we will have a young child and be preparing to open a bed and breakfast. Owning my own B&B will allow me the flexibility to work while my child is in school and spend time with them while they are out of school. I think that having our business will also allow us to leave a tangible legacy to our child after we are gone.

13. I love the idea of "wake up gifts" (which you define as "a balloon tied to a small gift left on your bedside table throughout the year"). Was this something that was practiced in your family? Or is this a new tradition you look forward to establishing?

My mother wasn’t always a horrible mother. I think the stress of her life slowly sucked her dry and left her eager to jump into a relationship with anyone that she thought would help her. Unfortunately, most of those relationships were damaging to her and her children. This is one of the only memories I have of my mother while she was still “Good Mom.” I think it was my 7^th birthday and I woke up and there was a balloon tied to a box of 64 crayons back before the 64 was standard. I remember how excited I was to get up and get my day started because of that. I think that gifts are expressions of love and it’s always nice to get a little something when you’re not expecting it. Balloons always make me happy. I would rather get balloons than flowers! Feel free to steal my idea! I promise you that it will make your kids’ day! I plan on tucking a little love note into the balloon so when it pops (because it undoubtedly will) they will have another little surprise.

14. How important is faith in your life? What values do you hope to instill in your future child(ren)?

I feel that religion is often used to hide behind and not form your own thoughts and opinions. Half the people who practice religion don’t know WHY they practice it; it’s just something that they are used to doing. If you don’t know the WHY, what’s the point? That being said, faith is very important to me. You have to believe in something or you’ll fall for anything. I hope my children learn compassion for others, love for themselves and all life, and a belief that they can do anything if they set a goal and work towards it. Nobody accomplishes anything without first having a goal and then working hard to make it happen.

15. Sum up your feelings about life in one, single, solitary sentence.

This is YOUR life; do what you love and do it often!

Things (good, bad, and ugly).

courtney — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 15:18:14 GMT

Good:

[x] I chopped off a bunch of my hair yesterday, shaved a "party patch", and had some color work done. I fxcking LOVE it so hard. My stylist, Jimmy (out of Rock Razor Scissors), is seriously amazing. Magic hands. I feel like a stone.cold.fox, forreal. Shaving part of my head was strangely liberating. This is, hands down, the sickest cut and color I've EVER had. Love, love, love. I don't usually post pics of anyone on my blog, but today...I just want to show off.

[x] I painted my bright, sunshine-y kitchen...black. I then painted my cabinets...black (metallic, though!). My kitchen rocks the official oven/range from the sixties so it's teal and gorgeous and stands out beautifully with the black background. I ordered some skull decals in teal off Etsy, because who doesn't love skulls on everything everywhere? Right? Right?! Right.

[x] I painted Little Flower's room a soft lilac with a medium purple contrast wall (with glitter paint). It is SO cute. I love it! Once construction is over, we're going to try her out in a toddler bed. My last baby, going into a toddler bed....my goodness. Time: it is a flyin'.

[x] The van angels. OMFG, the van angels. Our renovation project went wildly astray when we found at least five years of water damage built up under the floor. Mold was EVERYWHERE. I was honestly breathing into a paper bag for multiple reasons. (Panic mode straight up. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. Holy cow.) Unexpected debacles are expensive as hell. The van angels sent us "disaster relief" and really took the hit off of the burn we were feeling. They are so seriously amazing...I don't even know what to say. Just incredible. I honestly don't even have the words.

[x] K. and the kids took me out for an early birthday celebration this past weekend. It was awesome. We went to my favorite restaurant, went to Lincoln Park Zoo, and then snagged a mouthgasm of Black Cat deliciousness from Intelligentsia. (My multi-million dollar dream house has an amazing, ultra high end espresso machine so I can steam my own soy milk and drown myself in Black Cat deliciousness. Oh.yes.oh.yes.)

[x] The kids had a great Halloween. No shortage of candy in this house, let me tell you. They KILLED it out there. K. went as Tow Mater and Bear as Lightning McQueen. The girls and I? Ladybugs, straight up. It was really, really nice. We stopped by my aunt and uncle's house and got to chat up my cousin, N., for a few minutes as he was the only one home. It was awesome to see him. We really need to do so more often. We ordered pizza as we do every Halloween, and the kids counted up their bounty. Bear and Sunshine answered the door and doled out the candy while LF and Beauty went over their collections about a million times. SO cute. Love those four--well, five if you're counting K.--so very much.

[x] I turn 31 on Saturday. Another beautiful year I've lived. That in itself is cause for true celebration. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm healthy, K.'s healthy, my babies are healthy. This is what I live for. This is all I need.

I am grateful, to say the least. So very grateful.

I like moving into the "bad" on such a good note. Really makes the "bad" seem less, well, bad.

Bad:

[x] As previously mentioned, renovation went completely astray. It was supposed to be a simple project: take out a few windows, put in a door. Yeah, that didn't quite happen. So...yeah. *must keep swimming, must keep swimming*

[x] Consequently, we've lost use of our entire downstairs level. So two rooms and a bathroom. And about 75% of the stuff from downstairs is all.over.the.remainder.of.the.house. Yikes. I can't STAND the clutter of it all. I know the end is in sight, but I cannot wait to do things like...wash laundry on a regular basis and be able to put everything away. Or how about just being able to walk without something being underfoot? Six people and a gaggle of pets in essentially four rooms and a bathroom. Just...no.

[x] My Beagle (yes, that's both breed and name for any newcomers here ) started yesterday in a terrible way. She did something to a nerve in her neck and yelped in pain with every step. She's on anti-inflams and has pain pills, but is expected to make a full recovery (thank GOD). But this leads me to...

Ugly:

[x] While Beags was at the vet's office, they took some x-rays to doubly make sure she was okay. Well, she was fine...except that the x-rays show that she has over twenty pellets from a BB gun in her sweet little body. They are everywhere. Everywhere. We adopted her from a rescue in '07 (and they got her from a hoarder, so we don't know much about her past). But some sick fuck loaded up a BB gun and shot the nicest dog I've EVER known over and over and over again. The vet said they're going to leave them in since they're not bothering her (they're years and years old). But they sure are bothering the hell out of me. I honestly thought I was going to be physically sick when I heard that. WTF. The classiest, most eloquent thing I can say is basically ROT IN HELL YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS.

So, um, there's that.

Anyway, enough of the good, the bad, and the ugly. The kids are doing great (two are at school, two are home today) so I'm going to get this day in full swing and rock it out. Be cool, my friends. Love each other and have an amazing beautiful moment in this day, even if you're not really feeling this day overall, okay? Okay. <3

"...dreamed of para, para, paradise // every time she closed her eyes..."

courtney — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 01:58:59 GMT

I am really, really tired.

But let's have an update, no? How about pluses and minuses? Lots of good with a sprinkling of bad isn't *too* bad, amirite?

[+] The van angels. Oh, god...the van angels. Amazing, you guys. Just amazing. Forgetting for a moment they, oh, I don't know, BOUGHT US A WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE VAN and all that, they are funding the renovation of our house (and trust me, there are so many elements included...I can't even begin to list them all). So, let's pretend that's not the most amazing thing ever that will undeniably change our lives for the better in a ridiculous amount of ways, but get this: they also randomly and unexpectedly blessed us with a NOOK! A COLOR NOOK, at that! A NOOK! We were so shocked and just...omgrateful. I mean, they're both incredibly well-educated, articulate individuals, and already...the NOOK has changed the kids for the better. Bear has always been a rather voracious reader (apple/tree, and all that ), but Beauty...eh, she could take it or leave it. But since the arrival of the NOOK our bedtime-as-a-family-reading-stories-and-telling-adventure-tales has really drawn her in, which is incredible in and of itself. A NOOK! Last night, K. (who, by his own admission, isn't much of a reader) said to me: "I'm so thankful for the NOOK for not just the kids, but for you. I know you've wanted one for years but would never have thought to ask given the cost." And it's SO true. I've been coveting one forever and man, this is just an incredible blessing (and not just for the kids, obviously!). I read really, really fast, but I bought a book and am pacing myself so I can make it last. I can't remember the last time I bought myself a book. I can't wait to check out what I can loan from the library. Just amazing. I really can't believe there are people like this in this world. Cannot.believe.it. Just...wow.

[+] We got to spend some time with three first family members and have another visit coming up. We met up with Sunshine's step-grandma (former foster mom) and grandpa and it was incredible. They're great people and it's beyond evident they love Sunshine more than all the stars in the sky. And we were able to see LF's mom this month, too! It was SO awesome. You just have no idea. She is so beautiful and intelligent and personable and we always look forward to seeing her. We really love her. And of course, LF adores her. She was being her crazy two year old self, showing off and rocking out and being super cute. LF's mom attends school out of state so we haven't been able to see her for a bit, and oh...it was just SO good. We get to visit with LF's grandma this weekend and I am so stoked (she's totally awesome as well). She is going to flip when she sees how big and fierce and chock full of personality LF has become since the last visit. SO excited! And even better, our package made it to LF's mom (this is her birth month, too!) AND arrived on time. I stress about stuff like that like you wouldn't believe so I was so happy to hear it made it in time for her special day.

[+] While the window-to-door renovations are taking place, we're working on some other minor cosmetic changes around the house. I'm excited. K. and I love a good project, and I am ready to get elbows deep in tackling it. I'll update as we get to work, but if you don't hear for me for a couple of months, send help. And wine.

[+] Halloween is coming up and the kids are SO excited! We're going trick-or-treating with their BFFs from across the street (I love those little girls something fierce) so it is bound to be an fantastic time. The whole family just rocks. So grateful to have neighbors that are friends and vice versa. The "mom" (for lack of a better, more descriptive term), J., has been amazing beyond words since Sunshine's arrival. She consistently goes out of her way time and time again to pitch in wherever and whenever it looks like I'm scrambling. I think a lot of special needs parents get the generic "hey, if you need anything, just call!". Note to all pals of SN parents: as much as we are grateful for your goodhearted intent and generous thought, we will probably never call. It's not that it's not appreciated, it's more that it makes me feel...bothersome, I guess? Anyway, J. just has this sixth sense about her and she always seems to know what I need when I need it. It is awesome. Seriously, seriously so.

[-] Taking it over to the minus column, I've had to do a lot of "deleting" as of late. It's so odd to see how many people feel...I don't know...rejected? entitled? when there can be months at a clip with no communication whatsoever. I hate being the Deletress of the Internetz, but man, a girl can only do so much. Listen, I am not saying you have to check in with me like I'm a creepy, jealous boyfriend or something. But when I think we're at the point in our relationship where you'd be hard-pressed to know the names of all four of my children, something's gotta give. I give. And while it bums me out in certain cases, I'm not really all that sorry. You gotta do right by you, I gotta do right by me.

[+] Back to pluses for a minute: I deleted my facebook. Well, that's not entirely true. I deleted everyone from my list with the exception of maybe four people. But once all my pics are done, I'm outtie. It is oh-so-good. I've found that people fall into two categories: the ones who've actively tried to stay in touch, and those who haven't. And I completely understand both ways. But it's been an amazing feeling to not be tied to such a huge social network anymore. I'm on G+ and IG and all that noise--and Twitter, too (but rarely as of late)--and it's more than enough. I was hesitant at first and I do miss the comings and goings of some of my pals, but for the most part...party on, Wayne.

[-] Money. Enough said, right? But here was a nice little surprise: while at HellMart the other night (don't be a hater, Sunshine's Pediasure is cheap as hell there), we went to the baby aisle to locate said aforementioned Pediasure. On average, a six pack costs $10.00 and lasts three days. So we go through a lot of Pediasure; I mean, a $100 (more or less) a month for a child who doesn't eat by mouth is a pretty serious clip of cash. Anyway, K. and I, in our deep-seeded romantic ways, sometimes sneak out for a date night via grocery shopping. The store was busy, and by the time we got to the baby aisle, we were both tired. But we located the necessary product and found that some kindhearted soul cut out a ton of Pediasure coupons (for $2.00 off! OMG!) and wove them into the six packs. We bought three (hence saving $6.00) and I was so floored by this idea that I'm now on the hunt for "big ticket" grocery items whenever I see coupon pages. What a beautiful idea. Love it.

[-] I need to get into a cardiologist, and soonishly. I've had an irregular heartbeat for as long as I can remember (steady over the years, but nothing terrible) but the frequency has really intensified in the past, say, six to nine months (to the point where it's really annoying and slightly painful). One of these days I really need to get this checked out. I'm sure it's nothing, but it is rather obnoxious.

[-] If you're on G+, you've probably read all about our issues with A Particular Attorney Regarding A Particular Issue. I can't kick it all out here (i.e., publicly) for the obvious reasons, but UGH. This is a case-in-point example as to what's wrong with The System. *sigh*

But enough plus-ing and minus-ing, I've got laundry to fold and general house clean up to which I must attend. Sunshine's med schedule has us getting up before (okay, at) 5AM every day so I try to slather on the zzz's where I can get 'em. Early bedtime FTW, right?

<3

Oh, and hey...can you believe I'll be 31 in 15 days?! 31 is the new 21, right? Right? *cough*
And entirely unrelated, but the subject line of this entry is from this song. I am wholly and unapologetically obsessed with this song, as a matter of fact. Oh.so.good.

"...you're not alone // I say // you are not alone // in your darkness // you are not alone, baby // you are not alone..."

courtney — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 01:25:44 GMT

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I, like so many, many women before me and so many, many women to come, am the mother of a child who never graced this earth.

I won't rehash the details. If you know me well, you know them well enough anyway. But to say it was painful...yeah, that's an epic understatement.

This loss--which rocked me to the ultimate core of my being--showed me a lot about myself. In many ways, I'm *still* working on the "new" me, trying to figure out my role in this world with this added element irreversibly attached to my soul. But I made it. I lived through it.

I truly felt as though a part of me died that winter. I was so happy to be with my three loves (keep in mind this is pre-LF and pre-Sunshine), but I couldn't have felt more...desolate. I remember sitting on our bed in the bedroom, staring out the window and watching the snow pile up. We lived in a newly developed area, so instead of trees, there were miles upon miles of skies. Nothing to break up the land-to-skyscape other than the sporadic house or two. Just space. Empty atmosphere. A thin line, a thick divide. I sat there, on our bed, in the dark, with tears pouring effortlessly down my face, night after night after night. And I felt like that every.single.day of that season. I felt like getting dressed was too taxing. I felt like leaving the house was too overwhelming. A pregnant woman in a grocery store could trigger hours of crying. It was hard. And it stayed hard for a very, very long time. Beyond that season, and the next. But is got better. It really did. It just took a serious amount of time and patience (which I tend to lack in the most basic sense, but hey...it is what it is).

You can never possibly "get it" if you haven't lived it. When being a mother is the desire of your very soul--the role in life you live for beyond any other--but you are only able to relish that opportunity for a moment before it's seemingly snatched away, there's no real way to describe it. Sure, anyone could be empathetic, but if you've never lived it, you'll never understand it. So reader, if you're here with me tonight, I'm sorry you have to understand it. I'm so, so, so sorry. I wish you didn't have to "get it". I wish you couldn't possibly fathom the loss.

But I want to switch gears now. I want to move from the painful to the positive.

Someone who since became a close, amazing, inspirational friend (and he knows who he is!) quite possibly pulled me through the dark almost independently. Actually, by now he's more like family (and the kind of family you actually like, too! than a "friend". He shared with me his own grief--his own loss far more substantial than my own (although he never made my loss seem trivial in any way, shape or form)--and in turn provided an outlet for me to start the slow process of rebuilding, reconstructing.

And it was a slow process. And in many ways it still is.

But aside from the constant validation of my grief (which I so very desperately needed), he never tried to "fix it away". He helped me learn to maneuver through it, to ride many waves of incredibly insensitive comments, to take time to feel whatever I needed to feel. You know, you think you know this stuff...I mean, it's a basic response to grief, no? Well, sort of. It's not that easy when you're so convoluted and twisted and lost. It's hard to separate your sense of self from your sense of overwhelming emptiness. But above all, he stopped me from attempting (repeatedly, might I add) to set arbitrary "end times" to my grief. This--perhaps more than any of the many other lessons I learned from him--was the most instrumental.

I no longer spend my days racked with grief, but that's not to say I'm "over it". Or even that I'm "fine". Sometimes the loss is still so tangible that I can taste it. And when that happens, I take some time and work through it however I need to do so. I am wholly unapologetic about this, although it's taken me years to get to that point.

So if you've endured this sort of loss and subsequently found this entry through a search engine, a linked post, a friend of a friend, etc., please know that wherever you're feeling is okay. However long it takes to feel "normal", however long you need or want to grieve...it's all okay. The beautiful thing about the internet is that we're all connected through a couple of keystrokes. If you're feeling lost, please know there are so many of us walking this path with you, willing to help, willing to lend a shoulder when it all gets to be too much. As long as you're grieving safely, you're not "doing it wrong". And even if it seems like it, you couldn't be any further from "alone".

Tonight, I will light my candle as I do every year on this date. I will light it for my Bean, and for all of you who are grieving the loss of your own precious babies. I light it in honor of those lost, of course, but also in hope that in some small way...this tiny light will travel to those who need it--those who are overcome by grief, those who are ankle, knee, or waist deep in loss and longing--and break apart the empty feeling of singularity so that the sense of solidarity will prevail. You are not alone. <3

(Un)pretty.

courtney — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 02:21:32 GMT

Sometimes it's not pretty.

It isn't, you know. Sometimes life isn't pretty. Sometimes people aren't pretty (and I'm not talking physically here). Sometimes things are downright messy, or confusing, or distasteful. Sometimes things are wondrous and beautiful and sacredly rooted in soul though, too.

Sometimes when you feel you're all alone, you're not. Somewhere out there, a stranger might be thinking your exact thought. And always somewhere in this world, there is someone loving you to the core of his or her very being. Harmony is always in motion.

But sometimes that's easy to forget.

Tonight, a relative stranger's flippancy over Sunshine's special needs left me BOILING with rage. Sometimes Mama Bear is in there, just waiting to release the claws and shred anyone and anything in her way to utter destruction.

I kept Mama Bear in check, but barely. I could feel the blood coursing in my veins, throbbing in my temples. You, stranger, are never allowed to "dismiss" my daughter. You just aren't. I'm not sorry, either. And to see your carelessness--dare I say almost disdainful annoyance, even--is beyond infuriating. I felt it from the tips of my hair to the tops of my toenails. But I kept myself in check.

Sometimes keeping yourself in check is not very easy at all.

I came home, still seething, feeling angry and frustrated and upset. I kissed my sweet Sunshine, checked on both my sleeping girls, watched my husband and son trot off to begin the rituals of bedtime.

Sometimes the moment you are the closest to snapping in half like a twig...well, sometimes that's the same moment you find a sense of peace.

I jokingly say "I'm a lover, not a fighter". Well, that's not really entirely true. If anything, I'm a pretty even mix. Maybe even more so aggressive than I should be, but I have a strong sense of loyalty and love and my good-intentioned-yet-sharp-tongued nature can sometimes be, well, an issue. Sometimes I leap before looking, and sometimes I speak before thinking. I kept quiet tonight and although I felt like flipping over a table and unraveling my balled fists with a miserably violent sense of fury, I didn't.

Sometimes the moments just before the storm are less proverbial "calm" and more undeniably "clear".

I believe it was Plato (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, though) who once said:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

(Sometimes ol' Plato really nailed it.)

But sometimes I don't want to be kind. I want to angry and ugly and destructive. But then I stop myself as I'm standing on the brink, hungry for the power that only unleashing a sea of anger can bring.

Breathe deep, fall back, let go. Repeat.

Sometimes a momentary flash of self-realization is all you need to pause, breathe, and turn it all around.

Stranger, your flippancy tonight...I can't allow it to be a reflection of who you are because at the end of the day, I have no idea who you are. I believe in second chances. I believe in harmony. I believe that for every wrong, there's a dozen rights just waiting to unfold.

And ultimately, I believe that it's more about love and less about hate, more about similarities than differences, and more about basic human standing--not existentialist principles--that keep this world, generally speaking, a "good" place.

Sometimes it's easy to forget, but I am remembering this tonight. I am remembering temperance and virtue and the softness and eloquence of light.

Sometimes it's not pretty, but then again, sometimes it is.
Sometimes it really, really is.

"...the ballad of a dove // go with peace and love..."

courtney — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:02:11 GMT

[x] First and foremost, this song positively SLAYS me. I don't think I've managed to make it through this whole tune without absolutely bawling my eyes out. It chokes me up every.single.time. Just...wow. The first verse just absolutely guts me:

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time...

It's not usually the kind of music I'm drawn toward, but this one...just...yeah. Yeah.

[x] Tori's new album? Overall, I love it. One day (week/month/year/decade) when I'm not so tired, I will write out all my thoughts and name my favorite and least favorite songs. But that's a project for another time.

[x] Last night's mandatory religious education course didn't go so well. I managed to avoid standing up and/or pounding my fists on the table and screaming hysterically, but not by much. Not by much at all, really. It was rough. It was so bad that by the time we left I had a Class A headache going on. That bad. Yes. In fairness, I'm not a huge fan of the retired Pastor who teaches it. He's very...condescending. I'm guessing he's just one of those people with a little less verbal finesse than most. I think the information presented--while clearly stating the church's beliefs--could've been better delivered in a less overbearing way. Thankfully, the current Pastor kicks ass. And yes, I just said "Pastor" and "ass" in the same sentence, but whatev.

[x] I feel like I'm spinning my tires with the school district and the subsequent nursing debacle(s). I can't really detail it out here, but UGH. It's been ridiculously...ridiculous. Every day something new leaves me shaking my head back and forth. I'm not at all patient where any of my kids are concerned. For the most part--and I know this will probably shock the hell out of those who know me well--I'm usually pretty controlled with stuff like this, even if my gut instinct is to fly off the handle. But oh...I'm so close to the edge. One more push is all it might take.

Deep breaths.
It's going to be fine, it's going to work out, it's going to be fine.
Rinse and repeat.

[x] Halloween is right around the corner. Really? Already?! And in just a few DAYS, LF turns two. And not too long after both of those momentous events, yours truly hits the big three-one. This year has blown by so quickly. What is that cliche yet very true saying...the days are long but the years are short? Good grief, yes. That is so right on. I really try to soak it all up and appreciate it with my every breath. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but I do try...

[x] I've started to think about writing again. I'm not lacking inspiration, but I find a lot of what I write pulls from my own life (both past and present), and some of that...well, it's not very pretty (not past relationship stuff, really...just past "me" stuff). And sometimes it's a tough pill to swallow and is just overall emotionally difficult to visit for any number of reasons. How I envy those with the proverbial on/off switch! I take it all in and soak it all up and drink it down and keep it forever. A blessing and a curse, right? To be able to recall such pain is tantamount to being able to recall such beauty? A double-edged sword, I suppose. But I don't have enough down time to really scratch out anything right now, but at the very least...I'm hopeful that time will come. I think it well.

[x] Bear told me today that he wanted to buy me a convertible VW Beetle (my favorite-ever car after the Angel Van) for my birthday and he was SO disappointed that he couldn't make it happen with what he had in his piggy bank. He is SO cute. He said, "Mama, one day I'll buy it for you as a surprise then. Maybe when I'm twelve. Or eighty." The innocence and sweetness of kids is seriously the kind of thing that powers this very world. <3

[x] Okay, enough rambling for one night. Gonna wrap all this up, straighten up a bit, and hit the hay. <3

Recipe: vegan pumpkin crumb cake with pecan streusel

courtney — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 18:25:33 GMT

If you know me even a tiiiiiiny bit, you know I love, love, love, love, LOVE to bake. Well, this weekend, I baked what I feel to be a groundbreaking cake. It's no secret that I'm wild about both Isa Chandra Moskowitz & Terry Hope Romero (long live the PPK!), but man...they outdid themselves on this one. It is by far the single most delicious vegan cake I have ever tasted in my entire life. EVER. Ever! It's just a hair behind the vegan cinnamon rolls (but really, what could possibly come before cinnamon rolls?! I'm not playing, you guys. You need to make this. ASAP, even. For really real.

I'm posting the recipe, but don't be a d*ck and just grab it and run. Check out (aka "buy" any one of Isa's (or Isa and Terry's) cookbooks. I have about a zillion vegan cookbooks (and am always wanting more, more, more), but no one comes close to the incredible work of I. & T. This recipe comes from a huge and awesome work aptly named Veganomicon. Without further ado, I present you with the pumpkin mouthgasm of all time...

PUMPKIN CRUMB CAKE WITH PECAN STREUSEL
(Note: my "adjustments" are all in parentheses)

Makes 16 squares
Time: 1 hour, 10 minutes

Pecan streusel:
1/4 c all-purpose flour
3 Tbs brown sugar
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1 T canola oil
1 c coarsely chopped pecans

(Okay, so. I doubled the flour, brown sugar, cinnamon, allspice, and canola oil and threw in only a small handful--probably less than a cup--of chopped walnuts. I didn't have pecans for one, and for two, K. is not a fan of nuts by any means. The double recipe topping, though was pure perfection. It had enough nuts to get a hint of the flavor, but the perfect amount of crumbly, delicious topping.)

Cake:
1 (15 oz) can pureed pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix) (I eyeballed out of a larger can and it was extra pumpkin-y which was perfect for my tastebuds
3/4 cups soy milk (I used vanilla)
3/4 c canola oil
1 1/2 c granulated sugar
3 T light molasses
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
2 2/3 c all-purpose flour
1 T baking powder
1 t salt
1 1/2 t ground cinnamon
3/4 t ground nutmeg
3/4 t ground ginger
1/2 t ground allspice
1/8 t ground cloves

Preheat the oven to 350. Lightly grease a 9x13 inch baking pan.

Prepare the streusel:
In a small bowl, mix together the flour, brown sugar, and spices. Drizzle in the canola oil and mix with your fingertips until crumbs form. Add the chopped pecans and mix.

Prepare the cake:
In a large mixing bowl, combine the pumpkin, soy milk, oil, granulated sugar, molasses, and vanilla. Mix well. Add roughly half the flour, the baking powder, salt and spices, and use a fork to fold everything together. Add the remaining flour and mix gently until combined. Don't use a hand blender for this, as pumpkin can get gummy if it's mixed too aggressively. Blending with a fork helps maintain the texture.

Pour batter into the prepared baking pan and spread it out with a spatula. Scatter the streusel on top as evenly as possible. Bake for 45-50 minutes, until a knife inserted through the center comes out clean.

Remove from the oven, let cool, and cut into squares.
(Then stuff yourself silly on what might be the world's best pumpkin cake of all time EVER.
No, really. It's pretty amazing. It is so pumpkin-y and decadent. Perfection in a cake, straight up.
<3

Gosh, I'm sorry: A Form Letter Apology

courtney — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 17:12:54 GMT

An amusing conversation with a good friend led me to map out the following entry. This idea is by no means unique. I've stumbled upon several "form letter" blog entries across the giant www. However, in light of, say, the last several months, I felt this entirely appropriate. If applicable to you, please complete the letter as necessary, circling the appropriate choice...

Dear
-Friend
-Family Member
-Acquaintance with Unrealistic Expectations

I'm sorry I've been:
-out of touch
-avoiding your request
-dodging any number of passive aggressive remarks posted on your facebook directed toward me and my lack of contact

Things have been a bit crazy because:
-My family has shared a cold/cough/virus for the better part of the last month, and its endless cycling has produced one hospital visit and many, many new medications as well as general discontent
-I have, as you know, a medically fragile daughter who requires a fair amount of attention while I also have three other kids, the oldest being five
-it's people like you who lay out unreasonable requests with a side of guilt trips, that lead me to feel overwhelmed, unorganized, irritable, and disgruntled in general

Fear not. I'm sure they'll settle down when:
-I get a little more into the swing of things with this school year
-I'm able to schedule any number of appointments for myself--and actually keep them
-I'm a great-grandmother of twenty-three in a nursing home

Until then, please:
-remain as patiently loving as you have been so far
-accept that I really am trying my best and my lack of contact is by no means a reflection of how I feel toward you/our relationship in general
-STFU and stop being so selfish and needy because it's pissing my shit off

I remain:
-Your loving, loyal friend, Courtney
-A rather frazzled but hanging-in-there-all-the-same Courtney
-Courtney (who never wants to see your name appear on my text messages, in my email, on my facebook, and the like. NEVER)

Cake Ball 911.

courtney — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 17:01:47 GMT

[x] So...okay. I love making cake balls. Love it. No, really. It's kind of a messy pain in the you-know-what, but even still...it's a labor of love. And for the most part, I think I've got the method down pat. I can make cake balls (the preferential choice being red velvet cake + cream cheese frosting + chocolate almond bark) with the best of them, but I balk when it comes time to send them to the firehouse with my husband. I don't know...they don't look good. They're not pretty. I've tried numerous dipping techniques (toothpick no, fork yes) but even still, they end up with a flat bottom and look less...round. I don't get it. I want to get them to look pretty, but I don't know how to do it. I tap, tap, tap the excess off all the balls, but even still...they're not nearly as appealing as I want them to be. Whenever possible, I try to mask their imperfections with a little drizzle, but even still...

In fairness, none of the guys at the firehouse have ever criticized their appearance (at least not as far I know), but I feel almost bad sending along such unattractive food. What's a girl to do? Anyone? Anyone? ANYONE? :) <3

"September's coming soon // I'm pining for the moon // and what if there were two // side by side in orbit // around the fairest sun..."

courtney — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 16:10:55 GMT

[x] So. All is (relatively) quiet on the home front, and for that I am most thankful. Sunshine has recovered beautifully from her illness/hospitalization episode. Beauty was sent home from school on Thursday with pink eye in both eyes, but it's getting better everyday. Bear has one swollen tonsil, but a new humidifier has proven to be quite helpful. Little Flower has a case of the sniffles, but is otherwise her happy, healthy self.

All in all, it's all good. Minor things, really. Little Flower is rapidly approaching her second birthday. I can't believe I'll have a two year old on my hands. TWO! How is that even possible?! She has such a big personality. I can't wait for her speech evaluation next week (we had one scheduled, but cancelled it due to overlapping with Sunshine's unexpected hospital stay). I am crazy about her new DT-V, M. I liked her first one, S., enough, but...overall, I wasn't impressed with her interaction skills. Being entirely honest, it is IMMEDIATELY apparent when a therapist has children and when he/she doesn't. S. once told LF to "stop screaming" (she wasn't, for the record), but come on...she isn't even two. She's allowed to be loud and expressive as it's all just a precursor to language. It's not my fault you can't figure out how to engage my child. Whatever. M. (a mother of four) is awesome. She understands that an hour is a LOT for LF and lets her do her own thing while working the therapy into things. I am very, very happy with her. And LF is a big fan of her as well.

[x] Not the most important thing ever, but I've gotta get it out...seeing the kids' tuition balance as a remaining $4950 for the year? *gulp* Don't get me wrong; I LOVE the school. I love the teachers, I love the Pastor, the principal, the activities, the environment, the test scores, the familial feel, the small class sizes. Love it all. But paying bills today and checking the outstanding balance had my heart palpitating all over the place. But the Pastor came to our house to bless and pray over Sunshine several days back and it was amazing. We have felt so welcome and accepted and so many, many people are praying for Sunshine. Furthermore, the kids are really starting to feel secure in the concept of heaven and what happens when people die. Bear and I had a big long talk with a lot of interesting questions like "will Sunshine walk and talk when she's in heaven?" and "how is a body different from a soul?" Admittedly, I'm out of my realm here, but I'm loving where it's all going. There's so much purity at this age. I'm old and jaded, but this renewal in the kids is something almost tangibly refreshing. Love it. (But still! $4950! OMFG!)

Ah, I'm so classy. Talking about religion and private school and ending the paragraph with "OMFG". ;)

[x] Listen, in the grand scheme of things, I'm beyond blessed. Money is the biggest stressor we have, but that's probably to be expected on a single income with four kids (and a few with special needs to boot). I'm happy that my biggest ulcer comes from things like finances and paying bills. Other people have such bigger battles to wage with illness and death and grief and all that. If it meant a happy, healthy family for all time, and if that took something like living in a box somewhere, I would do it in a heartbeat. It's easy to get caught up when I'm constantly trying (in vain) to balance the checkbook. But again, it's the small stuff so I try not to sweat it. If on my deathbed when I'm 104 I can say "I lived a great life with my husband of many, many years and my kids are all well-adjusted, happy, healthy adults", that's all that matters.Truth.

[x] I've been struggling with balance between motherhood and all else lately. I feel like a lot of my "real life" friends--many of whom are mothers themselves--don't "get" where I'm at now. I am spread thin. And on the homefront, that's fine. I spend one-on-one time with all my kids every.single.day. I spend one-on-one time with my husband every day he's at home. But at the end of it all, I am tired. I am not fit for coffee. I am not fit for phone dates (most days). I am not fit for anything other than a hot shower, a glass of wine, and a warm bed. I am not complaining. I love my life and god, do I EVER love my family. They are the reasons for each and every breath. But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and racked with guilt when I get a minor request but just make it work. I feel bad because I know everyone is busy, but at this time, we're still all growing into our new family. I am bad at saying "no" flat out so I dodge requests. I'll find my balance eventually, but I know that, like most things, it will be a process.

[x] I'm in the sloooooow process of saving all my pics from facebook as I am going to delete my account and hang on G+. I just don't dig the new lack of privacy, for one, and for two...it's really just more of a hassle and headache than anything else. I'll still run rampant on Twitter, but I'll be happy to free from the fbook chains.

[x] Have I mentioned that the Van Angels are going to fund a house renovation project for us? Oh.my.god, you guys. These people are amazing. Long story short (and I know this won't make sense to most of you since you've never seen my crib), we are knocking out ground level windows and putting in an eight foot sliding glass door. This is HUGE because right now, we'd have to combat a long, steep driveway in the ice and snow. This is an amazing blessing. To be able to open the door to get her to the bus in just a straight shot? Just amazing. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of what the Van Angels are doing (there's heating work, and ramping, etc.). I am so in awe. Just amazing. Absolutely amazing.

K. and I have been talking about how we're going to renegotiate the space in the house post renovation. The downstairs rooms will be for Sunshine (obviously) and Beauty, and the girls will have their own bath on that level. The upstairs rooms will be for Bear and Little Flower, and we're moving our bedroom to what is essentially our living room. Yikes. This is not ideal by any means, but Sunshine's new room was the family room. So losing that, we'd have to cram a bunch of sh*t from ALL the kids into our main level (the smallest level of the house). It is completely impossible.So we're moving down. One day our goal (by 2021 for serious) is to find a four bedroom ranch home that's financially feasible in the general area. For now, I'll miss having a shared living space, but it will be SO worth it for Sunshine's safety and a seriously bump for our convenience (SERIOUS). We once looked into building up (we have neighbors around the corner who did that--it added two rooms and a bathroom), but that's, like, a ridiculous project (125K). For just double that, we could find a house that suits our needs much better. (Like this, for example. Love it!) But now I'm just rambling. Shocking, I know.

[x] Anyway, I've gotta wrap this up and get this day rollin'. I'm on "single mom duty" for a bit so I've gotta get my "A" game on and ready to rumble. :) <3
this

Hospital(ity).

courtney — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 18:46:49 GMT

[x] I had a long, drawn out post about school and life and love and all that, but here's the quick update: Sunshine is in the hospital.

This.really.sucks.

I don't have much time, so here's the short version:

On Saturday, she was coughing a lot. Now, listen. She has a big cough and that's a Very Good Thing (avoiding aspiration pneumonia and all that). So that said, she coughs the good cough several times a day. Saturday was just...different. She had a fever, and the pediatrician on call said to give her Ibp. Great, grand, wonderful. Fever went down, she continued napping. I spoke with K. on and off throughout the day, but otherwise felt good about, well, everything. Toward the evening, it just changed entirely. I was suctioning her constantly and she was coughing to the point where a fit would leave her panting. She was cool to the touch, though, and acting like her sweet, usual self, so that consoled me a bit. But call it a hunch, call it mother's intuition, all of a sudden, I looked at her and thought she has to go the hospital, and it's not going to be a quick visit. At that point, I needed to get K. on his way home, and pronto. He was on the engine, doing the block party circuit, and otherwise unreachable. Thankfully, one of my favorite-ever people (The Firefighter...of The Firefighter and The Pirate, as referenced previously :) was able to get in touch with another station and get a message across the air to K. K. came home in a hurry, thanks in part to everyone he was working with and, of course, The Firefighter. I got Sunshine ready to go, and K. decided he would take her himself.

Oh, yeah. Did I mention I have pink eye in both eyes as well as a cold/cough/sinus infection thing?

Realizing that a children's hospital would probably not welcome ol' double pink eye here, K. departed with our Sunshine. For the sake of time (long story short), she was admitted. It's not Monday afternoon and she might come home. Eventually. Today? Tomorrow? In a few days? I don't really know. She's doing better, though, and is set to make a full recovery, but a medically fragile child with a serious respiratory issue? Yeah, we kinda figured she'd be "on the bench" for awhile. Poor baby. I just want her HOME. I am having a very hard time with her constant absence from this house. This isn't how it's supposed to be, you know? I just want her healthy, and I just want her to come home.

Anyway, I still feel like dirt. I am hoping to make it to the doctor this week because I am probably toxifying all of my organs with Tylenol and DayQuil just to keep myself barely functioning. Not even kidding. It's a constant cycle of OTC drugs up in here. And TONS of Lysol. I want my baby girl to come back to as much of a germ-free house as possible.

My main focus right now is keeping the other kids calm and collected (and for heaven's sake, HEALTHY) and getting my Sunshine back home, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaking out over the fact that K. used over 24 hours of sick time he doesn't have. The thought of the next check--deduction included--is giving me heart palpitations. Not even kidding there, either. But that's a worry on the back burner right now.

Thank you to everyone for the barrage of emails, text messages, calls, facebook messages, tweets, offers of assistance in any number of forms, and the like. They say you know your true friends when shit is bananas and I don't doubt that in the least. I am floored by all those who stepped up. You know who you all are, and I love you all very, very, VERY much.

Gotta run. Will update again in a few days, hopefully with Sunshine home. If you're the praying type, please kick one in her direction? If you're not, good thoughts would be very much appreciated. Thanks. <3

Saturday.

courtney — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 13:03:40 GMT

[x] So. I survived the kids' first week at school. Barely, but I survived. I'm still getting used the whole thing--two kids in full day, one kid in half day, one kid at home. I think LF is a little down in the mouth. Her favorite playmates are...gone. She's had trouble napping the last few days and I think it's primarily because she's fighting the tiredness in an attempt to wait for everyone to arrive. Poor, sweet baby.

[x] Okay, I know this goes without saying, but man...school is expensive. We run a very tight ship as far as our budget is concerned and between the occasional hot lunch and the bi-monthly pizza gig (offered by the school, but paid in full right...about...now), I really overshot our expenses for the month. And while, as most of you know, I can't eat peanut butter (it sucks SO much, but I bust out in some serious hives and itch like crazy), but I don't routinely buy Sunbutter (even though I love it so!). Well, as fate would have it, two kids in Beauty's preschool are allergic so it's a peanut free zone. Listen, I am NOT complaining; it's basic courtesy to accommodate a food allergy as it's basic courtesy to accommodate a wheelchair. But Sunbutter isn't cheap! And of course I have none and forgot it on my most recent shopping trip. I need to up my coffee intake, I think. ;)

[x] Speaking of which, the return of the infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte is imminent. *sigh* This is the first year in which I'm not partaking due to veganism and it bums.me.out. I guess it's better for my wallet and my waistline, but even still...oh, PSL. How you taunt me so! Autumn is my favorite season and you always started me off right. It's a petty complaint, I know...but even still. Boo!

[x] But it's not all bad. I do love following a vegan diet, even if I can't chow down a piece of cheese at will. For the first time ever, I've been meal planning. I'm usually a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of girl, but now with school for 3/4 of the kids...not so much. For instance, on Monday night we're having Tofutastic with the fabulous brown rice bake, a veggie (roastedcauliflower, maybe?), and fruit salad. Bam! I couldn't have told you a month ago what dinner would ever hold, ever. This is an improvement, y/y?

[x] We are still very much getting into the routine, especially in the mornings. When K. is here, we tag team together beautifully. I've only floundered on my own once (the first day of school), but seriously...4:45/5:00 AM comes so very early. On Thursday night, we had a super late "in home" dinner date and when the alarm went off Friday morning, I felt like someone punched me in the face. Not good! Today has been much better already. K. is on shift so he--bless his heart--he always gets up early with Sunshine to change her, feed her, and handle her meds. AND he usually leaves me coffee on the patio. So awesome. In turn, I'll attempt to get this place sparkling from top to bottom, and try to get a jump on the next week. But at least I can do it all in my pajamas. :)

[x] I need a haircut. I need to paint my nails. I need to figure out Sunshine's nursing care issues, Little Flower's Early Intervention debacle, Beauty's "extracurricular activity" conundrum, and Bear's TKD schedule. I need to purchase sunflower seed butter. I need to weed (at least in the front ;) desperately. I want to rip up all the carpeting on the upper level of the house. I need to get Sunshine some better fitting pants for the fall/winter months. I need to order more contacts, reschedule long overdue dentist appointment for both K. and yours truly, find a better way at budget shopping for organic produce, pick up more coconut oil. I want to buy Sunshine more beads for her hair. I need to respond to about a hundred emails, blog for Patch, and trim The Beagle's nails. I need, I want...to stop spinning my tires.

Lately, that's how my mind has been running: this task to this task, that task to another. I need to recenter myself and reclaim the experience of living in the moment. I know that much of it has to do with "growing pains" of the new schedule, but I've gotta pull myself together. I've gotta get back to meditating, I've gotta let some old anger go, I've gotta go with the flow.

Usually, I'm much better at this sort of thing. But I am set on being patient with myself. Perfection isn't an option, but neither is merely "passable". Something to work on.

[x] This morning has been rather peaceful. Sunshine is napping on the couch (on her side--hopefully this will help her avoid suctioning, poor baby), and Bear is watching cartoons while eating cold pizza (it's a family tradition--if we order pizza the night before, the kids are always allowed--school days or not--to have cold pizza for breakfast). Beauty and Little Flower (at least check five minutes ago) are still both.out.cold. Beauty must've been so tired! LF is usually asleep at this time. When K. gets up to go to work, he also changes LF and gets her milk and a snack so she can go back to bed. It works beautifully.

[x] Two amazing events from yesterday:

1. In the drive thru at Starbucks yesterday morning, the car in front of mine bought my latte. I can't begin to tell you the incredible sense of euphoria it brought me. In turn, I bought the drink of the car behind mine. I hope it continued for a long, long time. It will go down in history as the best latte I've ever tasted. Ever.

2. Are you all sitting down?

I hope so.

Do you remember the two angels-disguised-as-people-on-this-earth who, you know, BOUGHT us our wheelchair accessible conversion van?

I know, silly question. Who could ever forget about that?!

Well, yesterday, in that post-euphoric coffee glow, I logged into my email to find an offer of massive assistance for some much needed in-home conversions.

REALLY. I'm not even kidding.

The state is willing to provide renovation assistance--after Sunshine's adoption is finalized (and keep in mind that we still have another four months of fostering before we can petition), but that means a winter without any assistance whatsoever. Not only is it less-than-ideal, it's a little dangerous (being completely honest here). We live in a tri-level built for-ev-er ago and it is probably one of the least wheelchair accessible homes in America. Out our backdoor, there's a patio with one huge (long and wide) step, and then an enormous, rather steep driveway leading down to the street (from our detached garage). Just outside our front door, there are a mass of steps rendering wheelchair access utterly impossible. We really wanted to get the back door ramped, at least to get through the winter. I wasn't looking forward to hightailing it down the drive. It's a hard pull even when it's 80 degrees and sunny, let alone when it's raining or snowing or sleeting or a solid sheet of ice, etc.

We ultimately wanted to the state to agree to swapping out our rec room (which was once a one-car garage) windows with a sliding glass door and adding heat to the room. It would be a straight shot down a short sidewalk to get to the bus.

Ramping, renovation, and more...the two angels have offered to take care of it all. And then some.

I'm honestly clutching just writing that sentence. I have that enormous lump in my throat just sitting here, thinking about it. I can't wrap my mind around because I can't even begin to understand this.

Maybe it's because we're always financially stretched? Maybe because I can't believe there are people in this world with such beautiful souls?

Sunshine's life got off to a rough start at the hands of someone else's doing, And now...two people who have ALREADY done so much...are STILL working to make her days a little safer, easier. And make our lives safer and easier, too. They have NO obligation to us. None. They owe us, they owe Sunshine, nothing.

A beautiful humanity in this world--this world which is sometimes dark and desolate--is still there, shining through. It's a sunshower. It's something I don't understand, but I feel like it's a miracle unfolding itself before my eyes.

I mean, you guys...they already bought us a van.

I just can't believe there are people in this world this selfless. But I can't write about it anymore since I'm already crying. But...yeah.

[x] Okay, off to finish my coffee and clean this place up. I have laundry to tackle, cinnamon rolls to bake, the duties of motherhood, and the like. I wouldn't have it any other way.

<3

Recipe: vegan cheddar cheese crackers

courtney — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 01:58:29 GMT

Mouthgasm!

Okay, so here's what I did: I used this recipe (with modifications).

*The basic substitutions: instead of butter, I used Earth Balance vegan buttery sticks and instead of cheese, I used Daiya cheddar style shreds.

*I took out the mustard as the kids are lukewarm toward the overall flavor, and subbed in onion powder and a few dashes of paprika. (Side note: I love, love, love the versatility of this recipe. You can add, subtract, whatever to get the "right" taste. Awesome!) With my subtractions/additions, the overall cracker flavor was very mild. Perfect for my littles.

*I also doubled the amount of Daiya. (Of course!)

*Another note of maximum importance: I cut these into super tiny squares (they filled, like, three whole cookie sheets) and had to bake them at least twice as long as stated in the recipe. And even then, they were a little softer than I would've preferred (well, at least the first batch was). But watch them carefully...once they get a little golden, they get dark (or burnt, even) relatively fast.

Let them cool on wire racks (if you can stand the wait, that is ;) and enjoy! So good! This will definitely be a staple around our house. :)

"You will not ever be forgotten by me..."

courtney — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 01:41:49 GMT

[x] Hello, blogaverse. How goes it?

[x] First and foremost, here's the YouTube link to Tori Amos' "Carry" (as referenced in my last post). If that doesn't work, try this. Oh, how it makes my heart ache so, but I do love it something fierce. I can't wait to see her in December. My best friend (since the first grade, mind you!) and I share this crazy Tori obsession and we have for years. It's kind of our "thing" and it is so special to me. And we're both very moved by music in general, but especially Tori's. Suffice to say, I'm not certain we've EVER made it through a concert without a few tears. Her performances are very powerful. She's been my favorite artist since I was 12 years old, so if you do the math...we're at every bit of 19 years (almost :). Love it. And love the beautiful woman with whom I share this musical obsession. I spent way too much money on tickets, but I couldn't bring myself to go the last time around (I was in such a dark place). I'm excited, especially since we're sure to hit up dinner pre-show at one of the best vegan restaurants in Chicago.

[x] Today, my oldest two started school. Private school. Oh.dear.God. Now, listen. Don't get crazy on me, but I really do love the school they're attending. As I've mentioned before, K. and I have a sense of spirituality but not so much a sense of religion. Knowing, though, that Sunshine isn't going to make it to, say, 50 years old (although I'm hopeful she will see 90), it was really, really important to us to send them somewhere to facilitate a strong relationship with God if at all possible. I want them to believe--so deeply--that when physical life ends, there's more to the story. And hey, maybe it will help us (meaning K. and yours truly) out a bit. Tuition isn't horrid. It's about 5K for the year (I'm clutching, can you feel it?!) but all things being considered equal, that's not terrible. Like most other things, though, I kind of wish we had planned this back when we received our tax return, but for next year, we'll be on it. And actually, with the exception of the first four or five months, the cost per month isn't too bad. And really, the first four or five months are only rough because we're financing the instructional fees. If we can even put aside 1K of our tax refund next year, it will make the month-to-month payment SO much more bearable. But again, I'm not complaining. So far, everyone has been really wonderful--from both the church and the school. I'm very excited for the kids to have a "spiritual home", and since we have to hit at least twice a month to maintain member status (once we achieve it, that is--we have some classes to take this fall), it will be good incentive to get us to church on the weekends. :)

But! Let's talk about the first day: so far, so good! Bear is loving kindergarten already (he had a half day today, and his first full day tomorrow) and I am so, so happy. He's such an easygoing kid, and he's great with new situations. Beauty is warming up. She had a rough departure today, but reassured me that she was fine and tomorrow would be different (we'll see--I hope she's right!). She got to know her teacher a bit more during the day and I think she won Beauty over a bit. YES! Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well. I feel confident. I'm hoping it was just first day jitters.

[x] Have I mentioned that my husband is dressing up like Woody from Toy Story for Halloween? (Bear is going as Buzz Lightyear.) Oh.boy. This is going to be interesting, I'm sure. If it's anything like the Robin costume from last year, tights will be involved. He's such a great dad and a good sport. I think I've mentioned this already, but the girls and I are going as Disney princesses. Of course, I get to be Snow White. (K. votes for this costume, but I'm thinking more along these lines. ;) Shocking, I know. ;) It should be a good time, though. I love the kids' excitement (already!) for Halloween. So cute and so very infectious.

[x] My dear friend Amanda (Last Mom on Earth) shared this link and oh, how deeply it touched me and made my heart ache so. I'm trying to be much more present when I'm actually with my babies. Time is so precious, life so fleeting. I want to soak them all up at every possible moment. Time goes by so quickly, you know?

[x] Also, keep the Kleenex box handy. If you haven't stumbled upon this yet, it is so painful and beautiful all at once. I absolutely bawled reading it. And then I read it again aloud to Kev. And yeah, both of us were in tears for sure.

[x] We wound up taking Sunshine to the ER the other night. She gets a little, for lack of a better term, "garble-y" and needs deep suction (we can only do surface at home). By the time we arrived home, I was worried since she still sounded a bit congested, but by the morning she was okay. Per DCFS, though, we took her to her pediatrician anyway. So far, so good--knock on wood.

[x] Speaking of Sunshine, she starts school tomorrow and the mere thought of it has me wanting to pop a handful of Ativan. I am SO anxious over the prospect of someone else--a stranger--caring for her for even just a few hours. And she's taking the bus. Straight up being honest here, you know--you know--I will be cruising through that parking lot at least once tomorrow morning (and she's only gone for an hour). I don't know what I'm expecting to see (nothing, really) but maybe it will make me feel better. Stress x infinity plus a million, I tell you.

[x] Little Flower is doing great. Teething has been a pain for her as of late, but she's got a whole mouthful now. And she's taking independent steps more and more often. I can't wait to get some on video. I'm going to try for twice. The first footage goes to her mom, and the second time I'll post it on Flickr. But I swear she sees me whip out my phone and it's all over. She's too smart, I tell you!

[x] Okay, time to pull the house back together and start the process of getting everyone organized for tomorrow's day. At some point, I want to blog about the Guatemalan adoption/kidnapping deal, but I'll save that for another day. Maybe even tomorrow if I'm feeling wildly ambitious. :)

Sweet dreams, friends. <3