(Un)pretty.
Sometimes it's not pretty.
It isn't, you know. Sometimes life isn't pretty. Sometimes people aren't pretty (and I'm not talking physically here). Sometimes things are downright messy, or confusing, or distasteful. Sometimes things are wondrous and beautiful and sacredly rooted in soul though, too.
Sometimes when you feel you're all alone, you're not. Somewhere out there, a stranger might be thinking your exact thought. And always somewhere in this world, there is someone loving you to the core of his or her very being. Harmony is always in motion.
But sometimes that's easy to forget.
Tonight, a relative stranger's flippancy over Sunshine's special needs left me BOILING with rage. Sometimes Mama Bear is in there, just waiting to release the claws and shred anyone and anything in her way to utter destruction.
I kept Mama Bear in check, but barely. I could feel the blood coursing in my veins, throbbing in my temples. You, stranger, are never allowed to "dismiss" my daughter. You just aren't. I'm not sorry, either. And to see your carelessness--dare I say almost disdainful annoyance, even--is beyond infuriating. I felt it from the tips of my hair to the tops of my toenails. But I kept myself in check.
Sometimes keeping yourself in check is not very easy at all.
I came home, still seething, feeling angry and frustrated and upset. I kissed my sweet Sunshine, checked on both my sleeping girls, watched my husband and son trot off to begin the rituals of bedtime.
Sometimes the moment you are the closest to snapping in half like a twig...well, sometimes that's the same moment you find a sense of peace.
I jokingly say "I'm a lover, not a fighter". Well, that's not really entirely true. If anything, I'm a pretty even mix. Maybe even more so aggressive than I should be, but I have a strong sense of loyalty and love and my good-intentioned-yet-sharp-tongued nature can sometimes be, well, an issue. Sometimes I leap before looking, and sometimes I speak before thinking. I kept quiet tonight and although I felt like flipping over a table and unraveling my balled fists with a miserably violent sense of fury, I didn't.
Sometimes the moments just before the storm are less proverbial "calm" and more undeniably "clear".
I believe it was Plato (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, though) who once said:
(Sometimes ol' Plato really nailed it.)
But sometimes I don't want to be kind. I want to angry and ugly and destructive. But then I stop myself as I'm standing on the brink, hungry for the power that only unleashing a sea of anger can bring.
Breathe deep, fall back, let go. Repeat.
Sometimes a momentary flash of self-realization is all you need to pause, breathe, and turn it all around.
Stranger, your flippancy tonight...I can't allow it to be a reflection of who you are because at the end of the day, I have no idea who you are. I believe in second chances. I believe in harmony. I believe that for every wrong, there's a dozen rights just waiting to unfold.
And ultimately, I believe that it's more about love and less about hate, more about similarities than differences, and more about basic human standing--not existentialist principles--that keep this world, generally speaking, a "good" place.
Sometimes it's easy to forget, but I am remembering this tonight. I am remembering temperance and virtue and the softness and eloquence of light.
Sometimes it's not pretty, but then again, sometimes it is.
Sometimes it really, really is.
It isn't, you know. Sometimes life isn't pretty. Sometimes people aren't pretty (and I'm not talking physically here). Sometimes things are downright messy, or confusing, or distasteful. Sometimes things are wondrous and beautiful and sacredly rooted in soul though, too.
Sometimes when you feel you're all alone, you're not. Somewhere out there, a stranger might be thinking your exact thought. And always somewhere in this world, there is someone loving you to the core of his or her very being. Harmony is always in motion.
But sometimes that's easy to forget.
Tonight, a relative stranger's flippancy over Sunshine's special needs left me BOILING with rage. Sometimes Mama Bear is in there, just waiting to release the claws and shred anyone and anything in her way to utter destruction.
I kept Mama Bear in check, but barely. I could feel the blood coursing in my veins, throbbing in my temples. You, stranger, are never allowed to "dismiss" my daughter. You just aren't. I'm not sorry, either. And to see your carelessness--dare I say almost disdainful annoyance, even--is beyond infuriating. I felt it from the tips of my hair to the tops of my toenails. But I kept myself in check.
Sometimes keeping yourself in check is not very easy at all.
I came home, still seething, feeling angry and frustrated and upset. I kissed my sweet Sunshine, checked on both my sleeping girls, watched my husband and son trot off to begin the rituals of bedtime.
Sometimes the moment you are the closest to snapping in half like a twig...well, sometimes that's the same moment you find a sense of peace.
I jokingly say "I'm a lover, not a fighter". Well, that's not really entirely true. If anything, I'm a pretty even mix. Maybe even more so aggressive than I should be, but I have a strong sense of loyalty and love and my good-intentioned-yet-sharp-tongued nature can sometimes be, well, an issue. Sometimes I leap before looking, and sometimes I speak before thinking. I kept quiet tonight and although I felt like flipping over a table and unraveling my balled fists with a miserably violent sense of fury, I didn't.
Sometimes the moments just before the storm are less proverbial "calm" and more undeniably "clear".
I believe it was Plato (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, though) who once said:
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
(Sometimes ol' Plato really nailed it.)
But sometimes I don't want to be kind. I want to angry and ugly and destructive. But then I stop myself as I'm standing on the brink, hungry for the power that only unleashing a sea of anger can bring.
Breathe deep, fall back, let go. Repeat.
Sometimes a momentary flash of self-realization is all you need to pause, breathe, and turn it all around.
Stranger, your flippancy tonight...I can't allow it to be a reflection of who you are because at the end of the day, I have no idea who you are. I believe in second chances. I believe in harmony. I believe that for every wrong, there's a dozen rights just waiting to unfold.
And ultimately, I believe that it's more about love and less about hate, more about similarities than differences, and more about basic human standing--not existentialist principles--that keep this world, generally speaking, a "good" place.
Sometimes it's easy to forget, but I am remembering this tonight. I am remembering temperance and virtue and the softness and eloquence of light.
Sometimes it's not pretty, but then again, sometimes it is.
Sometimes it really, really is.
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