[x] I don't really want to blog right now, but I'm going to anyway. So...here I am. After my last entry, the rollercoaster of Sunshine's potential placement basically just spiraled out of control. I don't know what the fuck is going on. At first it went back to looking positive, and now it's not looking so positive. If you're wondering if this stress is damn near killing me, the answer is a resounding yes. Resounding.

So now we wait. Placement in May looks highly unlikely and being entirely honest, placement seems highly unlikely overall. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm so sad for both of us--for our family and for Sunshine. Naturally, we love her to pieces so this has been very, very difficult. And I'm sad that permanency seems out of reach for Sunshine at this time. Don't get me wrong--she couldn't be in better hands, truly (she's with her step-grandma right now), but *allegedly* the goal of DCFS is permanent placement if reunification is not an option. Again, I say "allegedly". Ugh.

Basically, at this point seeing is believing. I won't even think this remotely possible unless she is being physically placed in our home before my very eyes. If it does suddenly look even semi-possible, I don't know when we'll tell family. I wanted to give the most important people in our world a heads up, but I'm afraid to speak out of turn yet again. So...yeah. I've been lying low online as I'm just going through a super stressed out antisocial phase. We're kind of reeling in all of this. I don't even know.

[x] I'm going to document Bear's birthday and party in a separate entry because I have more complaining to do in this one. It just doesn't seem right to lump so much good into an entry filled with complaints/troubles/issues. Yep.

[x] K. and I have been really, really struggling with the decision of where to send the kids to school. If you know anything about us, you already know we are about the furthest thing from "religious". We both believe there's a God out there somewhere, but neither of us have a really strong relationship. We were both raised Catholic, but the parish in which I grew up completely obliterated my faith in, well, anything. It was a terrible experience and we have both decided that raising the kids in the Catholic faith is completely out of the question. Our kids currently attend a non-Catholic religious based preschool and they LOVE it. Their faith is so pure; their dedication so unwavering. Bear is especially interested in learning more about God, Jesus, faith, and the like.

This kind of poses a problem. Being entirely honest, the odds of us raising our kids with a sense of God and religion? About 0% (maybe less). It just hasn't been a part of our lives and really, the whole thing just never factored in. Now, before you all flock to save my soul, I do pray. I do. And just before the kids go to bed, we usually say our prayers (hey, I said usually!). But here's the thing: I want the kids to have a strong sense of faith and a strong belief in God. I want something--faith, spirituality--to reassure them in moments of uncertainty or distress. I don't think it requires formalized religion, but it would also require a lot more effort than we'd be able to continuously put forth. Or maybe I should say "than we'd be willing to continuously put forth". And herein lies the problem: how will we raise our children to have faith in something when we never practice it ourselves?

I'm jealous of the truly spiritual. Not the pro-life nutjobs picketing outside of Planned Parenthood, but the people who, in times of loss or desperation, turn to their faith for comfort--and find it as such. What is that like? As someone who has long-standing anxiety issues brought upon by death (miscarriage), I long for that kind of peace. I long for more comfort and less anger. But anger is so much easier. It's at my fingertips. It requires no faith but is fueled by unadulterated emotion. I really feel my life would be for the better if I had some sort of spiritual comfort to turn to in times of need. Perhaps it would help me to forgive--rather than serve to fuel anger that, in some cases, has been a large part of my life for years now.

I'm clearly on a tangent now, but the moral of the story is the moral dilemma we are facing. Send the kids to public school (which I was allllll set to do) and try to somehow give them a strong sense of faith even though our personal commitment to it is so little OR try to find a private school to bring spirituality to them in the educational setting.

Do you see what parenthood has done to me? I was all but one foot away from being an atheist, and here I am, searching for some sense of God to provide my kids with spirituality beyond what I can loosely encourage. Motherhood, I tell ya. ;)

Catholic schools are not an option. I am admittedly biased because A.) I believe almost everyone who comes from Catholic elementary is a bit fucked up and warped by the time high school rolls about and B.) while most-if-not-all religions want monetary contributions, Catholicism could suck a well dry in the middle of an ocean (and yes, that's my the absolute most politically correct analogy I could apply ;). So Catholic schools are not an option in the least.

We've been shopping around for private schools--preferably one that won't bleed us dry just because they can--and the search is going all right so far. A big draw to some of the private schools we've found is that the teacher to student ratio is, on average, 1:16. I really feel like this could be Beauty's golden ticket; I feel like she won't be one of the lumped "special ed" kids and will have a better chance of being treated as a unique student with strong capabilities. I want less of a focus on what she can't do and more on what she can. This will be a very tricky decision. We're setting up meetings to start touching base with potential schools. If we don't find a good fit, though, we're going to stick with public schooling all the way. But of course this all comes up in the height of all the Sunshine drama. I mean...of course, right?

And so it goes. The next entry will be a lot more upbeat; I have lots to discuss about Bear's birthday and the subsequent festivities. But I'm still here and floating. Maybe not by much at this point, but something is better than nothing, right? Right? Right.

<3