[x] In a rather unhealthy relationship of which I was a part many, many moons ago, I learned a terribly difficult lesson: sometimes love just isn't enough. While it was one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to stomach, I brought a lot from that (both the lesson and the relationship) and have carried it with me since. While pursuing one of my favorite adoption-related blogs, Birth Mother, First Mother Forum, I found the following comment stated by one of the blog's co-authors, Lorraine Dusky:

Adoptive parents feel the need to say that they "love" their children--when yes it is a given they do--because they hope that "love" is enough to deflect or absorb all the insecurities that come with being available to be adopted.

I reread this comment again and found myself nodding in agreement more and more with every word.

If you follow me on twitter or if you're friends with me on facebook, you might have read (or even tired of reading, I should say) my endless tirade of comments on the Grayson "Vaughn" Wyrembek case. I am lucky to know so many sound, realistic and honest APs/PAPs, but it seems as though for every one that has a grip and  solid understanding, there's another off in space--way, way, way off in space. Simply put, it pains me--it does more than pain me--to see so many APs ignore the "adoption element" of, well, their child's adoption.

"But he is mine in my heart! No one could love him more than I do!"
"I love her like she's my own!"
"I could never have given him up! I mean, I'm thankful 'she' did and all, but I couldn't have!"
And so on, and so on..

Ask me now: would I die for my (biological) son? Yes. In a heartbeat.
Would I die for either of my (adopted) daughters? Yes. In a heartbeat.
Do I love all my children more than I could possibly state? Yes. Most definitely.
Do I love my girls more than their first moms do? NO. No, I do not.

My love is not superior, or more unconditional. My love is not "better" or "stronger" or "more secure" or "more devout". If one has to put defining limits such as these on the very term "love", perhaps said individual should also reevaluate what the term really means in *any* given context, really.

I've never understood the proverbial pissing match when it comes to love for an adopted child. Why is it so necessary for APs to maintain they love said child oh-so-much-more-than-anyone-else-ever-could? Since when is it a matter of being out-loved or over-loved? Simply put, Lorraine's comment says it all and then some: so many APs seem to carry the hope "that 'love' is enough to deflect or absorb all the insecurities that come with being available to be adopted." So true and so...very scary. What happens when said AP's realize this "love" isn't enough? Or is it just a matter of remaining in a life of denial at that point--one where no realization is ever needed? I don't really know. But it scares me how this "love" is supposed to be, is thought to be, the "cure all" for...everything. Very, very scary stuff.

In my personal experience--and again, it's just my experience, nothing more--I've noticed that a lot of my AP friends who've adopted domestically are so much more in touch with the actual term "adoption" (i.e., no, the baby didn't grow in the cabbage patch to be delivered to by you by the stork). So many more are willing to recognize the fact that adoption is a fundamentally flawed system in so many, many, many ways. They seem to be less scared of the "birth/biological mother" (these are also the same people who usually shudder at the term "first mom"). For whatever reason, those who have adopted internationally--in my experience--tend to be a bit more, well, egocentric. *I* did this! *I* saved this baby from a life of poverty! *I* am doing "god's work"! (I'm still not sure what that last part means, exactly.)

Listen, kiddo. You may have 'saved this baby from a life of poverty' in the sense that he or she might not have grown up with the typically-portrayed American "advantage" sans the adoption element, but this baby is sill devoid of his/her natural culture in many, many instances and in most cases, birth family in any context. (And yes, this includes my daughter, Beauty, as well. But I've already covered this in past posts, so I won't rehash it all here again.) How can *anyone* look past loss as monumental as that? And hey, this isn't true for *all* my AP friends who have adopted internationally; some are so incredibly in tune with the loss adoption brings a child...I only wish the majority of those I know thought and felt this way. This comforts me to know that there are others out there in the int'l network who aren't the typical Bible-thumping, Jesus-brought-me-this-baby-and-I-deserve-it type.

[x] Anyway, K. just put all the babies to bed and it's time to do a bit around here before turning in for the night. Please send good thoughts/prayers/whatevers about Bear's appointment tomorrow. I'm a very anxious mama tonight. :/

<3