[x] Officially, I am just coming up for air from The House of Illness. I am now a resident of the House of Back Pain, but at least I feel reasonably (hopeful) the "bug" has left our humble abode. It started around Thanksgiving, and by the Monday after, Bear was as sick as a dog. This lasted for-ev-er. No, really. I think it finally improved...maybe last week. He's on some anti-b's now, but it wasn't pretty before they started kicking in. Lots of tummy trouble and a horrid, wet cough. Ugh. Poor baby. Glad he's better now.

Unfortunately, Little Flower isn't faring so well. Actually, she's a LOT better today then she's been in days past, but is still not up to par--not her regular happy-go-lucky-I-feel-great status. Poor baby (again). Beauty and K. have done alright so far, and I snagged the cough but remained with my stomach in tact (thank god). Fingers crossed, though. So tired of being the house of teh sickness! We'll never get to take the kids to see Santa at this rate, I tell you. Harrumph.

[x] A few days ago, I hurt my back. It was weird--a total freak occurrence. I was playing around with LF on the floor and when I turned a quarter turn (nothing wild or unusual), I felt this ridiculous pain. I shrugged it off, but the next day it was feeling a bit rough, and then yesterday--geez, it was horrible. It took me forty-five minutes to get out of bed yesterday morning. Forty-five minutes! Good grief. I feel a little better today, but that might be in part due to the the 5,918,837 mg of Ibp I've got coursing through my system. And did I mention that prior to this happening I somehow developed a corneal ulcer? Give me a break. My pain tolerance is higher than most, but I'm done with ailments! Guess turning thirty started the ball rolling downhill. ;)

[x] Two years ago today, I lost Bean. Two years. God. I can't believe it. It's so strange. In many ways, I feel like it just happened, but in others...it just seems so long ago. A fellow angel baby mama once told me...it's funny how something so small can take up so much space. There is that space, you know, even still. That unfulfillable space that I'm entirely certain will last forever, but the pain is much less concrete now. When it was happening--that whole winter--I truly felt as though I'd never get over it. But I did--well, as much as you can get over such a thing, that is. And that gives me much faith in the human spirit as well as my own capabilities to surmount what seemed (at least at the time) an insurmountable grief.

(Lately, I'm sure it's you there waving
in the distance, closer, the closer I get
disappointment tears, yes it tears
they just have the same color of your hair...

You're not there
you're not there
you're not there...

[Even after all this time I don't know why, why you went away...
...Every corner that I turn I've convinced myself one day you'll be there...])

I thought about this a lot as we put up the Christmas tree a week (or two?) ago. I hung Bean's ornament as I do every year, right near the top. But this year, I also hung a few new ornaments for my Little Flower as well. Last year--in a few days, actually--we had just found out about LF's existence in this world. Last Christmas, I will filled with anxiety, hope, and a lot of heartache for LF's first mom. I had no idea what the year would hold, or what outcome would develop from this opportunity. My sweet Little Flower has brought me more joy than I could possibly express. This is my first Christmas as a proud mom of three. And who knows...maybe in a few years, I'll be celebrating my first Christmas as a mom of four. Time will tell. :) Anyway, I'll be writing a separate blog about LF in a few days, so keep an eye out.

[x] Alright, I'm off to take it easy for a bit. K. is home today so he's the official child-wrangler of the house and I'm on light (restricted?) duty. It's a welcome change. Yesterday was a brutal day for moods in this house (mine too, I'm afraid) and it's nice to kick off my shoes and relax a little bit. Tonight, as soon as we wrapped up dinner we got into our pj's and went to look at the Christmas lights in our area. It was very beautiful and peaceful--not at all full of heavy-heartedness as in the two years prior. It was lovely and enriching and rejuvenating all at once. The girls are sleeping soundly now so after a little daddy/son time, the boys (note the plurality ;) will be heading up to bed soon, too. Some good rest could do us all rather well. And what a beautiful, crisp winter night for such a thing...

<3