Four years ago, I would've defined "adoption" as a "loving situation in which the best outcome is reached for all parties involved".

(Idealistic and unrealistic much?)

That was four years ago. Four years ago, we were just getting the ball rolling with Beauty's adoption. We were just getting started. We sought out information, and there it was: adoption, simplified. The agency we chose made it look SO easy. And it was, for us. Sure, it was expensive, but all the costs were "paper justified". I mean, wasn't this a good thing to do? Didn't we make a loving choice? The agency had no short supply of let's-pat-the-AP's-on-the-back-for-a-job-well-done.

I hounded the agency endlessly for information on our daughter's birth parents, especially her birth mom. The information all seemed (and still seems) to check out. Adoption wasn't our "second choice" or "last resort"; having birthed a child just a few months prior, I had no reason to think I couldn't do it again. I still have no reason to think I couldn't do it again. The agency was so supportive (toward AP's, that is), as their focus was solely international adoption. They couldn't lead us astray, right? I mean, wasn't adoption *the* loving option?

Years later, I have a little girl who I love to the moon and back. She set foot on American soil at nine months of age, and I have seen her first step, heard her first word, been here through earaches and play dates and swimming lessons. I am her (adoptive) mother. But I am not her natural, first mother.

I will never fill those shoes, no matter how deeply I love her (and I do).

And I will NEVER say or feel regret that she is a part of my life. Never. I wake up every day grateful and go to bed every night just as grateful. But over coffee this morning, I did say to my husband that had we the choice to do it all again?

A closed adoption--internationally or domestically, for that matter--would've never come into consideration. Never as in not a chance, not once, not ever.

Please don't misunderstand: by no means am I suggesting that Beauty was--under any circumstances--a "mistake". But had I known then all I know now about adoption? Yeah, I can't say I would do it all again.

I do believe there will always be a need for adoption, but I do not support or believe in closed adoption in any form. It's impossible, really. Once you cross that line drawn in the sand, you just can't think of things the same way.

About a year ago, we were set to adopt (internationally) once again and something started to seem...off. I just couldn't place it, but I feel it was the beginning of my slow awakening to the reality of adoption. Still feeling secure in adoption but less-than-secure in adopting internationally, we turned to the foster care system. Before we could make a move, our paths crossed with our youngest daughter, Little Flower, and her first mom/first family. Born here (in my home state), prematurely, and with special needs, our new agency asked if we were interested in an open adoption.

Open adoption. Well...okay. Sure.

To be honest, I knew so very little about open adoption at that time--so very little. I was stupidly naive. I knew the horror stories of the first parents coming for the baby in the night, in a drug-induced stupor (have I covered a good chunk of the stereotypes yet?), demanding the baby back. And the opposite side, well, it just seemed as though open adoption for so many people looked like cards, letters, and photographs, maybe an annual visit. This was open? That's open?

It didn't seem right, and that makes sense: it isn't right.

My ultimate thought is this: if you're an AP in OA and you're not continually contemplating whether you're doing enough, what more you *could* be doing, what adoption as an industry has done to objectify birth parents--especially first moms--you're doing it wrong. Sorry, but it's true. If you don't hold the relationship with your child's first mom (or first parents, as you will) in the same esteem you would, say, your marriage? You're doing it wrong.

I am not a perfect person. I am not a perfect wife, daughter, sister, or friend. I am not a perfect mother (biologically or adoptive). I am not a perfect member of the "triad" (a term I've come to despise as it seems to implicate all three sides are equal). I am certain I've dropped the ball with my husband, my kids, and our daughter's first mom at times, but what I am is this: incredibly aware. I may not be perfect, but I strive to be the best I can be to those I love the most: my family. My daughter's first family? They are MY family. I habitually try to go above and beyond the "open adoption" agreement we share because it's the VERY LEAST I can do. I'll say it again: going "above and beyond" is the BARE minimum that I can do.

The complete turning point came to me after LF's homecoming. During one of the PPV's (post placement visits for all you non-adoption types), I asked--out of curiosity--about the laws in place to protect LF's first mom's rights in an open adoption.

Laws? What laws?

My mind went immediately into overdrive. I had just ASSUMED (naively) their were legal rights involved in the open adoption. I questioned our social worker further and asked, "So you mean ------ (LF's first mom) has no LEGAL right? What happens if you run into some smooth-talking AP's who "wine and dine" their child's first mother while she's expecting? Has that ever happened?"

When my social worker confirmed that yes, it has happened, and it does happen...I felt like I was suffocating. I felt like *I* was suffocating. Me. The woman who has never been robbed of my rights as a mother, robbed of the bond with my children. Me, an AP. Can you even begin to fathom how a first mom would feel?

Since then, I've read as much as I can everywhere I can: first mother/parent blogs, adoptee blogs, family preservation blogs, and the like. I've read books. I've read published articles. But most importantly, I've THOUGHT--long and hard--about what adoption is, what it means, the implications for first mother/parent, the implications for adoptees. I've read my fair share of anti-adoption rhetoric as well. If you're looking for a jumping point as to distinguish the difference between "family preservation" and "anti-adoption", there's no better site than this one , truly.)

Two things I will never understand:

1. Sealed records. Can someone please explain to me WHY adoptees do not have rights to their own, personal information? (And don't cite first mother confidentiality, either.)

2. Why first moms/parents have NO legal recourse in open adoption? If I sign a piece of paper agreeing to, say, two visits a year, pictures four times a year, and letters every month--nothing HOLDS me to that other than my own sense of (morals, ethics, and) responsibility. How can this be? Furthermore, how can any AP not recognize the incredible leap of faith a first mom makes in entering an OA--not just regarding the care of her child, but the faith that she will be forever a part of her child's life?

The hardest blogs for me to read are the ones that involve first moms/parents being "cast aside" by the AP's and essentially shoved out of their child's life. Reading those blogs hurts my soul so, so deeply--and I'm not even involved whatsoever...

I could go on and on about this (and over time, I'm certain I will--I already have another post in the works) but at the end of the day, I started off with rose colored glasses. The glasses are off now. It took far too long but I'm here now: I have arrived and I'm learning more every single day. My hope is to share more of my journey to understanding as time passes, and perhaps change the way at least one AP thinks of The System. More to come...