2/30
The Meme:
Day 01 - Introduction
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment
Day 2: Your first love
Oh boy. This is a tricky one. My first "love" was puppy love for my high school sweetheart. He was a bassist in a heavy metal band. He was tall, he had long hair, and he was a great guy (then). But that's not a true first love. Even still, as much as I loathe the guy now, he was a great high school sweetheart.
I guess I could say my ex-husband could factor in, but in reality...I think we used each other to get our growing up groove on. Our dating relationship was the pits. We were a "break up to make up" kinda couple. Why we thought getting engaged and then married was EVER a good idea is beyond me. Suffice to say, our marriage bottomed out fast. There were quite a few contributing factors to the demise, but I don't dwell on it. To be honest, I never really even think about our marriage or my ex-h. I have no ill will. I hope he's happy, as he really is a good guy. But was he my first love? Well, not exactly.
My first love was a very, very difficult relationship. He had anger issues; I had insecurity issues. Our relationship grew out of a rocky surface and I think we both had hope for it, but it was never able to materialize. We were very...passionate. And I mean this in all ways--not just the physical sense (although we had a very strong physical connection as well). We fought a LOT. I cried a LOT. But I think we both loved each other pretty well and pretty deeply. It was during this time I learned the hardest lesson I've ever had to accept: sometimes love is simply not enough. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life was to walk away from someone I loved so very...intrinsically, intimately. The pain was honestly almost physical. I wanted to help. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to fix things, fix him so he could see what I always saw. I wanted him to love himself as deeply as I did. I really wanted to be everything--the bandage to his wounds, the one who could change his whole life. But in the process, I compromised so much of myself in so many ways. And no one won, really. I never managed to help, and the hole in my heart just grew larger over time. It wore out so much of what I loved about myself that by the end of the relationship, I truly believed I was worthless in absolutely every sense of the word.
It was a very complicated situation. I think part of the reason I jumped into a relationship with K. so soon after that separation is because he was the antithesis of this boy I loved. K. adored everything about me. He and I have a great chemistry, but it's definitely different. It's not nearly as crazy and wild and unabashed as it was with my first love. But it's a solid love, a good love. I have no complaints. And while I love my husband, my children, and my life beyond words or measure, I will forever remember the electricity that ran through my body--through my veins--with the first kiss I shared with my first love. It was so electric. I almost knew we were doomed from the start. Raw power, I guess. Unrefined then, and unrefined until the end.
There's really not too much more I'm willing to say in a public arena, but if you were around during this time...you know. He did make me a stronger woman in the end. I demand more of those in my life. I give more, but I take what I need as well. Being entirely broken was the best platform in which to build up.
Most times when I think of it, I feel like this. In fact, I really feel like this song describes that relationship perfectly. But when this song hit the airwaves, it really, really resonated with me for so many reasons as well. But "Scars"...I feel like this song was actually written based on our relationship.
And so it goes...
<3
Day 02 – Your first love
Day 03 – Your parents
Day 04 – What you ate today
Day 05 – Your definition of love
Day 06 – Your day
Day 07 – Your best friend
Day 08 – A moment
Day 09 – Your beliefs
Day 10 – What you wore today
Day 11 – Your siblings
Day 13 – This week
Day 14 – What you wore today
Day 15 – Your dreams
Day 16 – Your first kiss
Day 17 – Your favorite memory
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday
Day 19 – Something you regret
Day 20 – This month
Day 21 – Another moment
Day 22 – Something that upsets you
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry
Day 25 – A first
Day 26 – Your fears
Day 27 – Your favorite place
Day 28 – Something that you miss
Day 29 – Your aspirations
Day 30 – One last moment
Day 2: Your first love
Oh boy. This is a tricky one. My first "love" was puppy love for my high school sweetheart. He was a bassist in a heavy metal band. He was tall, he had long hair, and he was a great guy (then). But that's not a true first love. Even still, as much as I loathe the guy now, he was a great high school sweetheart.
I guess I could say my ex-husband could factor in, but in reality...I think we used each other to get our growing up groove on. Our dating relationship was the pits. We were a "break up to make up" kinda couple. Why we thought getting engaged and then married was EVER a good idea is beyond me. Suffice to say, our marriage bottomed out fast. There were quite a few contributing factors to the demise, but I don't dwell on it. To be honest, I never really even think about our marriage or my ex-h. I have no ill will. I hope he's happy, as he really is a good guy. But was he my first love? Well, not exactly.
My first love was a very, very difficult relationship. He had anger issues; I had insecurity issues. Our relationship grew out of a rocky surface and I think we both had hope for it, but it was never able to materialize. We were very...passionate. And I mean this in all ways--not just the physical sense (although we had a very strong physical connection as well). We fought a LOT. I cried a LOT. But I think we both loved each other pretty well and pretty deeply. It was during this time I learned the hardest lesson I've ever had to accept: sometimes love is simply not enough. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life was to walk away from someone I loved so very...intrinsically, intimately. The pain was honestly almost physical. I wanted to help. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to fix things, fix him so he could see what I always saw. I wanted him to love himself as deeply as I did. I really wanted to be everything--the bandage to his wounds, the one who could change his whole life. But in the process, I compromised so much of myself in so many ways. And no one won, really. I never managed to help, and the hole in my heart just grew larger over time. It wore out so much of what I loved about myself that by the end of the relationship, I truly believed I was worthless in absolutely every sense of the word.
It was a very complicated situation. I think part of the reason I jumped into a relationship with K. so soon after that separation is because he was the antithesis of this boy I loved. K. adored everything about me. He and I have a great chemistry, but it's definitely different. It's not nearly as crazy and wild and unabashed as it was with my first love. But it's a solid love, a good love. I have no complaints. And while I love my husband, my children, and my life beyond words or measure, I will forever remember the electricity that ran through my body--through my veins--with the first kiss I shared with my first love. It was so electric. I almost knew we were doomed from the start. Raw power, I guess. Unrefined then, and unrefined until the end.
There's really not too much more I'm willing to say in a public arena, but if you were around during this time...you know. He did make me a stronger woman in the end. I demand more of those in my life. I give more, but I take what I need as well. Being entirely broken was the best platform in which to build up.
Most times when I think of it, I feel like this. In fact, I really feel like this song describes that relationship perfectly. But when this song hit the airwaves, it really, really resonated with me for so many reasons as well. But "Scars"...I feel like this song was actually written based on our relationship.
And so it goes...
<3
Wow, C, we've *connected* on other stuff before, but I could easily have written this about my ex:
One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my life was to walk away from someone I loved so very...intrinsically, intimately. The pain was honestly almost physical. I wanted to help. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to fix things, fix him so he could see what I always saw. I wanted him to love himself as deeply as I did.
The hardest thing was to end that relationship. I'm glad I did - because of what I have now, but how I could I have known that then? *sigh*
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