He holds one sign while another is taped to the back of a more-than-well-worn jacket. The sign reads as follows:

Vietnam Vet
Homeless
Very Poor
Please Help

He has a friendly face. He sports a big white beard and some obviously tired shoes. His clothes appear far from new; he wears hat touting memories of his time in the service. He has kind but weary eyes. He could be an alcoholic or maybe he isn't. He could be schizophrenic, but maybe he's not. He could be your neighbor, your uncle, your best friend, your banker, the clerk at the grocery store. He could be your arch nemesis or your best friend. He could be any of these things, but I know only the following...

He's a Vietnam Vet
He's Homeless
He's Very Poor
And he is looking for Help

Today was our second encounter with this individual. Previously, we crossed paths a few weeks back. It was cold, much colder than today. It was snowing just a bit--the wet, soggy, oh-so-typical-Chicago variety of precipitation. The six of us were in the angel van when we saw his figure in the dusk. Bear, our ever-perceptive five year old, said, "Mom? This guy looks like he needs help. Why is he outside when it's snowing like this?" Upon this statement, a discussion about homelessness, appreciation, love, empathy, compassion, and gratitude ensued. While our girls are too young (developmentally and chronologically speaking), our son...he really "got" it. I hunted about my wallet to find my remaining cash--a crumpled five dollar bill--and handed it to K. to pass through his window. I could scarcely make out the features of his face, but a quiet voice thanked K. profusely and ended with a "God bless you".

I thought about this man for hours that night. As I snuggled up under blankets in a heated home, I thought about "haves" and "have nots". I don't know his story, this man's. He could be vicious, feeding a dire addiction, down on his luck, or simply out of options. He could be faking it for all I know. He could be a sociologist, or he could be psychopath. But at the end of the day, it simply doesn't matter. It doesn't. While our current financial state leaves a bit to be desired, we *have*. We have each other, a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and more material items than we *need*. And as down on our luck as we have been in the past, we've always had enough. In my opinion, even if you're just getting by, you have enough. It might not be comfortable, but at the end of the day...it's still enough.

Today, we saw the same man, wearing the same clothes, shoes, and jacket, toting the same weathered signs. We were roughly ten miles from the spot where we first encountered this man, but today...the sun was shining. At the stoplight, I frantically searched through my wallet for something to give him. Empty. I looked in the angel van's cup holders, felt about under the seat for a moment. Nothing. But before the light changed, a five dollar bill seemed to float from the bottom of my bag to the top. I rolled down my window and he approached the angel van. "Thanks so much, hon. Really," he said. Pausing but not missing a beat, he flashed a million dollar smile and said, "And hey, I really like your hair". I thanked him, wished him well, and we drove away. We drove back to our heated home, with our full pantry and secure shelter. We are the "haves", not the "have nots". It's easy to think things are so impossibly trying, that our hardships definitively exemplify the very word "hard". A few hours later, Bear turned to me and said, "I'm glad we could help that man out again, mama. Maybe we'll even see him again."

At home, I found a five dollar bill under a stack of papers I hadn't given so much as a glance in several days. It's in my wallet now, but it's earmarked for a purpose that is outside of a cup of gas station coffee and a single gallon of gas. One of the most amazing people I know once said "we are all in this thing called 'life' together". Of the lessons I've learned in my thirty-one years, this is probably one of the most poignant and profound. To the man outside, asking for help while watching countless people shift their eyes to avoid your gaze, hang on. I pray that your life will improve dramatically and if we never see you again, I hope it is because the winds changed and your luck has shifted. But should we cross paths again, I will have another crumpled five dollar bill for you. And from this point on, I will never be without one no matter what it takes. And the moment my eyes lay sight on your figure, it's yours. It's not much, but it's yours all the same. It might not make a bit of difference in the big picture, but I hope that, in some tiny way, it helps out with even the most insignificant of everyday living--even if it's something the "haves" of this world take for granted. A cup of coffee, a gas station sandwich, a bus ride--hell, an addition to your cigarette fund--whatever...I hope you know that I am tied to you as much as I am tied to Bill Gates. We are all tied together. And I am grateful for this.

Hang on, my friend, in this crazy life and sometimes messy world. Thank you for your service to our country, and please keep your head up even in the moments when you feel as though you are no longer waving but drowning. I have hope the sun will rise for you, and the darkest hour--always just before dawn--will one day be a distant memory. Hang on, my friend. Please just hang on.

I remember a time when winter brought out a desolate sadness that I held deep within me. I remember those days so clearly.

Alone, sprawled on my back across the king-sized bed in my condo (shared with my then-husband), my knees hanging off the side, smoking a cigarette I bummed with the ashtray carefully balanced under my ribcage. I never smoked in that residence (I by no means considered it a "home") before that very moment. Sure, maybe on the balcony when I was so intoxicated that the stars seemed to transcribe secret messages--just for me--across the sky, but even then...never inside our cold, "cozy" domain. I had been prescribed a rather strong painkiller for these pounding, endless headaches, and one of the best side effects was the ability the pills gave me to just...be. Cloudy and clear all at once. In disarray and yet utterly complete, the perfect dichotomy.

And I was. I was lightness and darkness. I don't remember the song spinning at that very moment but I do remember I wore beat up, thick-soled, high heels--the ankle strap kind--and one was dangling off my foot in a rather careless fashion. Improper shoes for a snowfall, but that was my usual modus operandi, I suppose.

As I remained almost motionless in the drowsy space between reality and unconsciousness, I remember feeling the beat of my heart as it coursed blood through my body. I was young then, with no sense of mortality. I could do anything, go anywhere, be anyone. The saint and the sinner in one package. The lover, the fighter. A little girl and an (almost kinda sorta) woman.

I suppose, in retrospect, I lived rather selfishly. I was always one for "living in the moment". I never subscribed to the notion of regret. Impulse control began to seem rather aimless, boring, a shiftless shape, and I once I realized I could control (the lack of my) control, I lived selfishly.

That's not to say I wasn't wounded along the way by others, by myself. I was, of course. Impulse control or lack thereof not withstanding, I was weathered, beaten down, exhausted. At that very moment...I felt as though my steady breathing was the only thing able to lift the weight off me, from me. In that quiet, I became myself again--if only for a moment. My fingers and toes were freezing, but I was living the life--if only mentally--that I thought I would've lived at that very moment. I was the person I thought I would've become. Calculated, controlled. Elegant. Graceful and gracious and brimming with goodness and light.

In real time, however...I knew I was none of those things. I was a train wreck in a semi-neatly wrapped package. If you could get past the smeared mascara, the knots in my hair, the run in my nylons, and the bitten-down-to-a-quick nails, maybe I could play the part. I had confident eyes and a winning smile. But I had no sense of self because at that time, I didn't need it. I was the victim. I was the perpetrator. I was Joan of Arc and Mary Magdalene. I was anything and everything. And sometimes, I was nothing, too.

Once you live "freely" (and I use that term loosely), transitioning to a life of constraint (even self-chosen and strongly desired constraint) is a strange adjustment. When I found out there was a budding life within my body, I become wildly protective of myself, of this little creature within me. I built a few walls; I tore others down. I became so very aware that nothing is forever. That I was not and am not forever. That my days of selfish living were heading on their way to falling into my past.

Still, at that very moment, as the cigarette burned down to where I could uncomfortably feel the heat on my fingertips, I was immortal and destroyed and imperfect and hopelessly hopeful. I ground the very last of said cigarette into the ashtray and stood up, brushing myself off. I needed lipstick, and my winter coat. I was getting up, I was going out, I was going on.

[x] Happy FOURTH Birthday to my sweet Sunshine! I'm now the proud mom of two awesome four year olds. I think she's had a great day so far, and she so deserves it. She's brought us more joy than I could ever possibly describe. It seems like we met her only yesterday, but in the same breath...I can't remember a life without her. I love this little girl so much, I do, I do. <3

[x] The remaining trifecta is doing well. Bear, while having the ever-so-expected five year old mood swings, is still loving Kindergarten. The Kindergarteners, 1st, and 2nd graders at his school started a basketball league and he signed up. Practice starts next week. He is so excited (and I am, too). K. is going to be an assistant coach. So cute! Beauty is doing well, too. We're having her reevaluated later this month (did I already blog about this?) because she's still measuring a year behind in basically everything. She's got a hugely proactive teacher this year, and she's been really instrumental in backing our concerns. We are both elated that someone is finally listening to us! Obviously, we want the best for Beauty and her teacher does, too. It's so good. And so very refreshing. LF is talking up a storm. A lot of it is "babble speak" but she's trying to communicate and we couldn't be more proud. I've been trying to catch an "in action" (talking) video clip on my phone for her mom, but so far I haven't had much luck. Such a stinker--she knows when I'm trying to videotape her, I just know it! Some of her words are becoming really clear, too. Awesome! And she's doing great with her DT-V (and we absolutely love her--have I mentioned that?). We're hoping to get both LF and Sunshine into The Chicago Lighthouse's low-vision clinic as soon as humanly possible. At the last optho appointment, both of them were deemed to have healthy eyes but we really need the type of eval TCL can provide. Our pediatrician faxed over a referral so we will hopefully hear back within a few weeks. So far, so good. All four kids are awesome, but admittedly...I might be a bit biased, no?

[x] We have OMGSOMANY appointments coming up. Seventeen by June to be exact. Craziness! Between LF and Sunshine, we have quite the schedule. February is rather ridiculous. And by "rather", I kinda sorta mean "entirely". But it's all good. February also holds my favorite-ever holiday (yes, my favorite holiday is, in fact, Valentine's Day). I know, I know...let the hating begin. Blah, blah, blah, hallmark-holiday-shouldn't-take-a-day-to-show-your-love-you-should-do-so-all-year, blah, blah, blah. But I see it like this: winter, especially after Christmas, can be kind of, well, bare. Maybe even a little desolate and/or depressing if snow and cold isn't your thing. Valentine's Day is a bright spot, a random time to celebrate friendship and love. So those fundamentally opposed to V-Day, don't try to rain on my parade, okay? Haters to the left!

[x] I went for another tattoo a few days ago. It's itchy and annoying right now, but it's healing beautifully. Unfortunately, I still have another two hours on it (owwwww!). But the artist behind my half-sleeve-in-progress, David Allen, is incredible. Not only does he completely debunk the "I'm so much cooler than you" tattoo artist stereotype, but he is so full of heart and depth and authenticity that he's the kind of person you'd want to know even if he's wasn't working his magic all over your skin. His talent speaks for itself, and I can pretty much guarantee I'll never go to another artist as long as I live (well, provided David stays in Chicago forever, that is . I've set up several sessions from April through October in hope that I'll be able to complete the half sleeve by the time we renew our vows in November. But even then, I have so many other projects I want to tackle. I want to turn the half sleeve into a full one, and finish out my other arm (and it still has quite some work left). And then there's the piece I want on my leg...yeah, the list is pretty much endless. So it goes. I love getting tattooed (and semi-related, I love this commercial, too). I'm not one for needles, but the end result...oh, man. It's just so worth it.

[x] Since, say, my birthday in November, I've been on a journey of self-discovery. It's been pretty amazing, albeit challenging at times. I really dig it. The older I get, the more I learn about who I am, what makes me tick, how grateful I am for all I've been given, all I've experienced (even the bad), and all those who make my world what it is. I'm really, really into appreciation right now. I've picked up meditation on the regular again, and it's made a tremendous difference in both my energy level and my overall outlook. We've hit some stressful points as of late in which I'm reminded that money is, in fact, the root of all that's evil in this world, but I've been able to turn it around as soon as it springs into action. I keep saying "this too shall pass", and it will. Keeping the faith is keeping it real, you know?

[x] My brother's birthday is at the end of this month, and man...I miss him. I wish New Mexico was located in place of, say, Indiana. Our relationship has really developed over the past few years and for that, I am so, so grateful. I have no doubt that he's in my corner, and I hope he has no doubt that I'm in his. Wish we could spend his birthday with him. Anyone have a teleporter?

[x] Speaking of travel, Bear has it in his head that we're going to Disney this year. It was February, but now our (non-existent) trip might be in April instead. Where did he get this? How do kids come up with this sort of thing? Maybe we'll win a vacation and he just has a gut feeling about it. I could rock out Disney. Personally, I'd be happier with a trip here, but hey...if Bear's premonition is right, a free trip is a free trip, no?

[x] Okay, I've gotta get a move on and put the finishing touches on Sunshine's cake. It's been beautiful here in the Chicagoland area--uncharacteristically warm--but within the next few days, winter is supposed to move on in. I'm ready for it. The kids are waiting (im)patiently for snow. And so is K., since he happens to have an amazing snow thrower. He is dying to test that baby out. And this is all from a guy who hates winter with every fiber of his being.

Peace, my friends! <3

This is worth your time. This is worth your tears.

I somehow never posted this blog, even though the date of the draft states November 2, 2011. No matter, it's still as vital now as it was then.

I thought about posting my thoughts along with this link, but have decided against it. I'd rather you have the same experience as I did...no precursor fluff, just sheer substance. It might be considered NSFW (nudity, not pornography), so open carefully in the company of others or at your place of employment.

I hope you take as much from it as I did.

<3

[x] You know it's been awhile when you have to read the last post you wrote since it was sooooo long ago, you haven't the foggiest idea of what was said. OVER A MONTH (!) since my last entry. One of these days, I'll stick with the "blog-at-least-once-a-week" goal I arbitrarily set for myself (over and over and over). So let's play catch up...

[x] Thanksgiving was lovely, albeit simple. It was an entirely vegan meal and for that, I felt especially grateful. My parents are such good sports, I tell you. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Don't get me wrong...I have a lot to be thankful for every year, but this year...yeah, it's definitely topped the charts in a million different ways.

[x] December brought a bit of stress, but the good outweighed the bad tenfold.

+ K. had a lot of time off in December. It was fantastic. I think it's safe to say we are more in love than ever and it feels so very good. <3
+ K. was off work Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and NYE (our anniversary) both this year *and* next. Leap year FTW.
- The kids have been sick on and off. Bear had a hacking cough, LF had a cold, and Sunshine was hit hard AGAIN in December. I don't have the time to detail it all out, but ugh...ready to kick all this sickness ish to the curb, once and for all. It's my one gripe about the winter weather, I tell you.
+ My best friend (since the first grade, mind you) found out that her baby-on-the-way is a GIRL! I am SO excited to be an auntie; I cannot wait for April to arrive! When I get to thinking about it all, I feel so excited that I could just burst! I already shopped off her registry and I can't wait until the items I purchased arrive at my house. I'm beyond crazy about this little girl already. <3
- We were in a car accident. In our beloved angel van. And it was, unfortunately, K.'s fault. And we did, of course, annihilate a Lexus (the driver was fine, though). Huge props to the CPD, the CFD (especially the two amazing paramedics who took us to Children's despite being oh-so-close to Northwestern), Chicago's Streets & Sanitation, and CMH (their pediatric ER is second to none, I tell you).
+ While that's been a little stressful, things have calmed down a bit. We're hoping to finish repairs to the angel van (it's still totally drivable, though) by the end of this month/early next month. It could've been a lot worse and for that alone, I am so, so thankful.
- Three years ago last month brought such intense joy with a positive pregnancy test, but ended in heartbreak due to miscarriage.
+ Four years ago, December brought such intense joy with the arrival of my sweet Beauty. I will forever remember weeping openly in O'Hare upon holding her for the first time. She is such a true light in my life. <3
+ By law, we had to foster Sunshine for six months before we could move toward an adoption plan. Well, we hit the six month mark in mid-December! Oh, how I adore this little girl so! I swear...with the four kids I've got? I'm the luckiest mom in the world. <3
+ LF is switched rather unsuccessfully to a toddler bed, but we've been trying different solutions and so far...so good. She's back in toddler bed action. She also started speech therapy and is absolutely rocking it; in the past few weeks alone, she's really tried to imitate sounds and words. She is amazing.
+ We attended an IEP review for Sunshine and holy cow, am I ever impressed with her progress! She's totally "getting" cause and effect and is rocking out switch use (with her cheek). It's amazing to watch and even just thinking about it now...I am bursting with pride.
+ Bear has been extra helpful around the house as of late. He'll do anything for his sisters, I tell you--especially LF. She's had him wrapped around her finger since the day she arrived. I love it so much. And I love, love, love the love they share. So beautiful, so pure, so very good.
+ Christmas was amazing this year for so many different reasons. The kids loved their gifts and I felt "more" this year than I ever have. It was beautiful, and I am so grateful for the many incredible people in my life.
+ We had our tree and decorations down by the early morning hours of 12/25. Forreal! We needed space for all the kids' new loot so it worked out beautifully.
+ I finally got my new(est) tattoo. After the miscarriage, I wanted to find something to symbolize Bean but I wasn't ready for a long, long time. I finally felt ready, and getting the image I chose (it's beautiful) to symbolize Bean, renewal, and rebirth was very, very healing for me. I told K. that I wouldn't be able to do it until I found a great sense of peace in my heart. It's been a long time coming, but that peace...it is finally here. I'm planning to make a half sleeve of the project over time. I went to a new artist (and subsequently, a new studio), and his talent is just unreal. I'm beyond elated with the results, and that's putting it mildly.
+ NYE was quiet and low key, just the way we like it. I had a hair appointment (entirely pink now!) and we spent the night together as a family. This NYE also marked our sixth wedding anniversary. Six years already! It's been an incredible ride, and there is no one else on this earth who completes me so beautifully. I truly married "up". I couldn't ask for more in a husband. Our love has been entirely renewed this year and it is an indescribable feeling of pure bliss. So yeah...things are good.
+ I feel very positive about 2012 for so many different reasons. I feel more vibrant and full of life and passion than I've felt in years. I feel so full of hope, so full of love. I took a big deep breath upon leaving the house this morning and my lungs felt as though they've never been so grateful to just experience the air. I am determined to make the most of 2012 in every possible way. It's going to be a helluva ride, but I'm strapped in and ready to rock.

[x] I have lots more to blog about, but I just wanted to dip my toe back in the proverbial blogging pond with a general update. I really do miss writing here and while I'm not one for "resolutions", I hope to write here with at least a tiny bit of regularity. But time will tell, no?

Happy 2012, my friends! My love to you and yours and all the best for an amazing new year! <3

What do you do when "thank you" just isn't enough?

(And for the record, I'm asking this as a legitimate question.)

Let me clarify this as well: it's not the recipient of the "thank you" who thinks it's not enough. It's you, the "thanker", personally.

So what do you do? How can you adequately show what's in the depths of your heart, what's filling your soul from top to bottom? What do you do when you know--you KNOW--you'll never be able to repay the kindness? What do you do then?

How do you thank someone for the beauty brought to your world, for your renewed faith in blue skies and sunshine and endless oceans of promise and possibility? For filling your cup with so much joy that it's in a constant state of overflow, deep enough in which to swim? What do you do when words fail you time and time again, when it is absolutely impossible to express the immense gratitude you feel at every turn? When you're so consumed by said thankfulness and a refreshed sense of joy that you can barely think of anything else? When the very beats of your heart seem to resonate the words "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you"? 

What do you do when "thank you" just isn't enough?

(And my heart says again, and my heart beats always, "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you".)

This year, I am taking part in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project (as orchestrated by the absolutely amazing Heather!). I was paired with an awesome PAP (prospective adoptive parent), Jenna, of Filling Our Castle. I loved getting to know her by reading both her blog and her responses to my questions (below). Without further ado, it is with great pleasure that I now introduce you to the Queen of the Castle, Jenna...

[Note: After you're done learning about Jenna, go check out some other interviews here!]

I’ve always wanted to adopt. When I was younger I never understood why people would have children when there were children already born that needed families.  After getting married we looked into adoption and realized that they basically wanted your soul to adopt. We were not in a position to adopt so we decided to have biological children first. 6 years later we found out that my husband has Sertoli Cell Only Syndrome which renders him infertile. We’ve done the biopsies and retrieved 0 sperm. We decided since his job paid for a certain amount of infertility treatments we would try that first since it was cheaper. I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! The drugs made me crazy and the outcome spun us both into depressions. I decided that adoption was the only choice and that I wanted to do it soon. We ran the chapter of Gift of Adoption in Nebraska for 2 years and stepped down due to lack of support and the need to fundraise for our own adoption. We recently filled out the application for Lutheran Family Services and will find out in February if we were accepted into their adoption program. We are also asking everyone to put the word out that we are willing to do a private open adoption too!

                                                                                                                                                    2. Define your ideal open adoption situation. What does it look like for you? The first  parent(s)? The child?

Our ideal adoption is open with the option to limit our contact. We realize the importance of having the first parents as part of our extended family but want the option to limit contact if the situation is less than ideal. We would probably want to start out with care packages set up every 3 months where we send pictures, letters and videos with the option to send more as we see fit. I would LOVE to do a Picture A Day for our FPs and have them come visit and share our holidays with us but we are scared of that as well. Our IDEAL open adoption would be with amazing but we are realists (well…Hubby is a realist who keeps me grounded. I’m the optimist!) and know that we will probably end up somewhere in between what we don’t want and what we want. I truly want to be able to count the FPs as part of our family. My husband is worried they will be ax murderers or druggies. We are flexible on the terms of our open adoption.

I think that adoptions shouldn’t cost an arm and a leg. This makes it prohibitive to families wanting to give a child a home but unable to afford $15k-$40k. I think that medical records should be freely given and that adoptive parents should be able to make an informed decision. It’s not fair to the child if a family believing their new child is perfectly healthy and accepts to take a child with special needs. That family may not be prepared to deal with the difficulties that are now presented to them.

There are two that are recommended in our area. One has about 3 adoptions a year and 10 openings for parents and a 10 couple waiting list. One has 7-10 adoptions a year, 25 openings for parents and about 10 people on the waiting list. It made sense to go with the agency that has more openings per year.

That child won’t bond with us and that the first parents will be crazy intrusive. That and that I’ll always feel guilty for raising someone else’s baby instead of supporting them to raise their child.

Totally afraid of the drain. In my version of hell, I’m trapped on the bottom of the swimming pool forever being sucked down by the drain or in a sand pit where the drains are big enough to suck down a small car. I think it’s the unknown that scares me the most. That doesn’t mean that I will recognize it as an irrational fear and clean out the drain or touch the drain in the bathroom though! Don’t even think about it!!

Food: A never ending supply of Rosa Maria Chicken from Carrabba’s

Album: the compilation album I made for our road trip from NJ to Ohio. It’s full of Sarah Bareillis (before she was popular!), Michael Buble, Josh Groban, Snow Patrol, One Republic, Carolina Liar (before they were popular!) and Rob Thomas.

Photo: The black and white photo I have of Me and Hubs from Chuck E Cheese this summer! He’s looking at me knowingly and I’m cheesing right into the camera. It reminds me of how much fun we have together and out first date.

A good mother is someone who takes time to be with their children and builds them up instead of tearing them down. I don’t want my children to look back our years together and say “All she ever did was make me feel worthless,” Or “All I wanted from her was to feel like she was proud of me.” I want to be the June Cleaver of mothers. I want to have healthy snacks ready for them when they come home and be able to help them with their homework. I want to teach them compassion for others and for themselves. Nobody is perfect and I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for my mother. I don’t want that for my children.

My husband was the HOTTEST guy at the local department store where my boyfriend worked. He was funny, smart, and GORGEOUS. I knew that I had to have him. Every girl wanted him but I was going to take the prize!! So I guess you could say that my competitiveness was the reason we went out. The reason we stayed together is because he can talk for hours on any given subject (because his favorite website is Wikipedia and he researches every question that pops into his head!!) and I love that he usually doesn’t make me feel stupid when I ask a question or ask for an explanation.

We went to Chuck E. Cheese’s on our first date and spent the night climbing the tubes (oh to be small enough to fit in a tube comfortably again!) and organizing the kids into ball pit wars against the other person. Our second date was to a classical music concert at the local university. Eclectic, huh?!

Sadly I don’t remember a DAMN WORD of what he said when he proposed. I remember that it was with a pink rose that he said was “for the future” and that I kissed him and he said “Ow” because I squeezed his face and he had just had his wisdom teeth pulled! All of the flowers he gets me now have a pink rose hidden in the bouquet. He’s such a sweetie!

My sister cant’ understand why I want to adopt instead of having our own children. I haven’t told her about our infertility because she uses everything I say against me in future arguments. She thinks that because we are adopting that we are rich and that we should always be helping her out. We stopped giving her money YEARS ago when we realized we were just subsidizing her druggy life style. I guess our biggest fear is that we will have a first mom that is my sister…

It’s VERY important to us. We don’t get to give our child that magical link to our family tree via DNA we would like to give them a connection to our history by their names. We’ve had our baby names picked out FOREVER: Andrew Michael, Jacen Thomas, Georgianna Elyse and Charlotte Danyel. Each name is directly related to a loved family member…Daniel Andrew (uncle), Georgia Thomas (Deceased Grandmother), Joshua Charles (uncle), Randy Michael (Popop).

In 5 years we will have a young child and be preparing to open a bed and breakfast. Owning my own B&B will allow me the flexibility to work while my child is in school and spend time with them while they are out of school. I think that having our business will also allow us to leave a tangible legacy to our child after we are gone.

My mother wasn’t always a horrible mother. I think the stress of her life slowly sucked her dry and left her eager to jump into a relationship with anyone that she thought would help her. Unfortunately, most of those relationships were damaging to her and her children. This is one of the only memories I have of my mother while she was still “Good Mom.” I think it was my 7^th birthday and I woke up and there was a balloon tied to a box of 64 crayons back before the 64 was standard. I remember how excited I was to get up and get my day started because of that. I think that gifts are expressions of love and it’s always nice to get a little something when you’re not expecting it. Balloons always make me happy. I would rather get balloons than flowers! Feel free to steal my idea! I promise you that it will make your kids’ day! I plan on tucking a little love note into the balloon so when it pops (because it undoubtedly will) they will have another little surprise.

I feel that religion is often used to hide behind and not form your own thoughts and opinions. Half the people who practice religion don’t know WHY they practice it; it’s just something that they are used to doing. If you don’t know the WHY, what’s the point? That being said, faith is very important to me. You have to believe in something or you’ll fall for anything. I hope my children learn compassion for others, love for themselves and all life, and a belief that they can do anything if they set a goal and work towards it. Nobody accomplishes anything without first having a goal and then working hard to make it happen.

Good:

[x] I chopped off a bunch of my hair yesterday, shaved a "party patch", and had some color work done. I fxcking LOVE it so hard. My stylist, Jimmy (out of Rock Razor Scissors), is seriously amazing. Magic hands. I feel like a stone.cold.fox, forreal. Shaving part of my head was strangely liberating. This is, hands down, the sickest cut and color I've EVER had. Love, love, love. I don't usually post pics of anyone on my blog, but today...I just want to show off.
 

[x] I painted my bright, sunshine-y kitchen...black. I then painted my cabinets...black (metallic, though!). My kitchen rocks the official oven/range from the sixties so it's teal and gorgeous and stands out beautifully with the black background. I ordered some skull decals in teal off Etsy, because who doesn't love skulls on everything everywhere? Right? Right?! Right.

[x] I painted Little Flower's room a soft lilac with a medium purple contrast wall (with glitter paint). It is SO cute. I love it! Once construction is over, we're going to try her out in a toddler bed. My last baby, going into a toddler bed....my goodness. Time: it is a flyin'.

[x] The van angels. OMFG, the van angels. Our renovation project went wildly astray when we found at least five years of water damage built up under the floor. Mold was EVERYWHERE. I was honestly breathing into a paper bag for multiple reasons. (Panic mode straight up. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching. Holy cow.) Unexpected debacles are expensive as hell. The van angels sent us "disaster relief" and really took the hit off of the burn we were feeling. They are so seriously amazing...I don't even know what to say. Just incredible. I honestly don't even have the words.

[x] K. and the kids took me out for an early birthday celebration this past weekend. It was awesome. We went to my favorite restaurant, went to Lincoln Park Zoo, and then snagged a mouthgasm of Black Cat deliciousness from Intelligentsia. (My multi-million dollar dream house has an amazing, ultra high end espresso machine so I can steam my own soy milk and drown myself in Black Cat deliciousness. Oh.yes.oh.yes.)

[x] The kids had a great Halloween. No shortage of candy in this house, let me tell you. They KILLED it out there. K. went as Tow Mater and Bear as Lightning McQueen. The girls and I? Ladybugs, straight up. It was really, really nice. We stopped by my aunt and uncle's house and got to chat up my cousin, N., for a few minutes as he was the only one home. It was awesome to see him. We really need to do so more often. We ordered pizza as we do every Halloween, and the kids counted up their bounty. Bear and Sunshine answered the door and doled out the candy while LF and Beauty went over their collections about a million times. SO cute. Love those four--well, five if you're counting K.--so very much.

[x] I turn 31 on Saturday. Another beautiful year I've lived. That in itself is cause for true celebration. I'm here. I'm alive. I'm healthy, K.'s healthy, my babies are healthy. This is what I live for. This is all I need.

I am grateful, to say the least. So very grateful.

I like moving into the "bad" on such a good note. Really makes the "bad" seem less, well, bad.

Bad:

[x] As previously mentioned, renovation went completely astray. It was supposed to be a simple project: take out a few windows, put in a door. Yeah, that didn't quite happen. So...yeah. *must keep swimming, must keep swimming*

[x] Consequently, we've lost use of our entire downstairs level. So two rooms and a bathroom. And about 75% of the stuff from downstairs is all.over.the.remainder.of.the.house. Yikes. I can't STAND the clutter of it all. I know the end is in sight, but I cannot wait to do things like...wash laundry on a regular basis and be able to put everything away. Or how about just being able to walk without something being underfoot? Six people and a gaggle of pets in essentially four rooms and a bathroom. Just...no.

[x] My Beagle (yes, that's both breed and name for any newcomers here ) started yesterday in a terrible way. She did something to a nerve in her neck and yelped in pain with every step. She's on anti-inflams and has pain pills, but is expected to make a full recovery (thank GOD). But this leads me to...

Ugly:

[x] While Beags was at the vet's office, they took some x-rays to doubly make sure she was okay. Well, she was fine...except that the x-rays show that she has over twenty pellets from a BB gun in her sweet little body. They are everywhere. Everywhere. We adopted her from a rescue in '07 (and they got her from a hoarder, so we don't know much about her past). But some sick fuck loaded up a BB gun and shot the nicest dog I've EVER known over and over and over again. The vet said they're going to leave them in since they're not bothering her (they're years and years old). But they sure are bothering the hell out of me. I honestly thought I was going to be physically sick when I heard that. WTF. The classiest, most eloquent thing I can say is basically ROT IN HELL YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKERS.

So, um, there's that.

Anyway, enough of the good, the bad, and the ugly. The kids are doing great (two are at school, two are home today) so I'm going to get this day in full swing and rock it out. Be cool, my friends. Love each other and have an amazing beautiful moment in this day, even if you're not really feeling this day overall, okay? Okay. <3

I am really, really tired.

But let's have an update, no? How about pluses and minuses? Lots of good with a sprinkling of bad isn't *too* bad, amirite?

[+] The van angels. Oh, god...the van angels. Amazing, you guys. Just amazing. Forgetting for a moment they, oh, I don't know, BOUGHT US A WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE VAN and all that, they are funding the renovation of our house (and trust me, there are so many elements included...I can't even begin to list them all). So, let's pretend that's not the most amazing thing ever that will undeniably change our lives for the better in a ridiculous amount of ways, but get this: they also randomly and unexpectedly blessed us with a NOOK! A COLOR NOOK, at that! A NOOK! We were so shocked and just...omgrateful. I mean, they're both incredibly well-educated, articulate individuals, and already...the NOOK has changed the kids for the better. Bear has always been a rather voracious reader (apple/tree, and all that ), but Beauty...eh, she could take it or leave it. But since the arrival of the NOOK our bedtime-as-a-family-reading-stories-and-telling-adventure-tales has really drawn her in, which is incredible in and of itself. A NOOK! Last night, K. (who, by his own admission, isn't much of a reader) said to me: "I'm so thankful for the NOOK for not just the kids, but for you. I know you've wanted one for years but would never have thought to ask given the cost." And it's SO true. I've been coveting one forever and man, this is just an incredible blessing (and not just for the kids, obviously!). I read really, really fast, but I bought a book and am pacing myself so I can make it last. I can't remember the last time I bought myself a book. I can't wait to check out what I can loan from the library. Just amazing. I really can't believe there are people like this in this world. Cannot.believe.it. Just...wow.

[+] We got to spend some time with three first family members and have another visit coming up. We met up with Sunshine's step-grandma (former foster mom) and grandpa and it was incredible. They're great people and it's beyond evident they love Sunshine more than all the stars in the sky. And we were able to see LF's mom this month, too! It was SO awesome. You just have no idea. She is so beautiful and intelligent and personable and we always look forward to seeing her. We really love her. And of course, LF adores her. She was being her crazy two year old self, showing off and rocking out and being super cute. LF's mom attends school out of state so we haven't been able to see her for a bit, and oh...it was just SO good. We get to visit with LF's grandma this weekend and I am so stoked (she's totally awesome as well). She is going to flip when she sees how big and fierce and chock full of personality LF has become since the last visit. SO excited! And even better, our package made it to LF's mom (this is her birth month, too!) AND arrived on time. I stress about stuff like that like you wouldn't believe so I was so happy to hear it made it in time for her special day.

[+] While the window-to-door renovations are taking place, we're working on some other minor cosmetic changes around the house. I'm excited. K. and I love a good project, and I am ready to get elbows deep in tackling it. I'll update as we get to work, but if you don't hear for me for a couple of months, send help. And wine.

[+] Halloween is coming up and the kids are SO excited! We're going trick-or-treating with their BFFs from across the street (I love those little girls something fierce) so it is bound to be an fantastic time. The whole family just rocks. So grateful to have neighbors that are friends and vice versa. The "mom" (for lack of a better, more descriptive term), J., has been amazing beyond words since Sunshine's arrival. She consistently goes out of her way time and time again to pitch in wherever and whenever it looks like I'm scrambling. I think a lot of special needs parents get the generic "hey, if you need anything, just call!". Note to all pals of SN parents: as much as we are grateful for your goodhearted intent and generous thought, we will probably never call. It's not that it's not appreciated, it's more that it makes me feel...bothersome, I guess? Anyway, J. just has this sixth sense about her and she always seems to know what I need when I need it. It is awesome. Seriously, seriously so.

[-] Taking it over to the minus column, I've had to do a lot of "deleting" as of late. It's so odd to see how many people feel...I don't know...rejected? entitled? when there can be months at a clip with no communication whatsoever. I hate being the Deletress of the Internetz, but man, a girl can only do so much. Listen, I am not saying you have to check in with me like I'm a creepy, jealous boyfriend or something. But when I think we're at the point in our relationship where you'd be hard-pressed to know the names of all four of my children, something's gotta give. I give. And while it bums me out in certain cases, I'm not really all that sorry. You gotta do right by you, I gotta do right by me.

[+] Back to pluses for a minute: I deleted my facebook. Well, that's not entirely true. I deleted everyone from my list with the exception of maybe four people. But once all my pics are done, I'm outtie. It is oh-so-good. I've found that people fall into two categories: the ones who've actively tried to stay in touch, and those who haven't. And I completely understand both ways. But it's been an amazing feeling to not be tied to such a huge social network anymore. I'm on G+ and IG and all that noise--and Twitter, too (but rarely as of late)--and it's more than enough. I was hesitant at first and I do miss the comings and goings of some of my pals, but for the most part...party on, Wayne.

[-] Money. Enough said, right? But here was a nice little surprise: while at HellMart the other night (don't be a hater, Sunshine's Pediasure is cheap as hell there), we went to the baby aisle to locate said aforementioned Pediasure. On average, a six pack costs $10.00 and lasts three days. So we go through a lot of Pediasure; I mean, a $100 (more or less) a month for a child who doesn't eat by mouth is a pretty serious clip of cash. Anyway, K. and I, in our deep-seeded romantic ways, sometimes sneak out for a date night via grocery shopping. The store was busy, and by the time we got to the baby aisle, we were both tired. But we located the necessary product and found that some kindhearted soul cut out a ton of Pediasure coupons (for $2.00 off! OMG!) and wove them into the six packs. We bought three (hence saving $6.00) and I was so floored by this idea that I'm now on the hunt for "big ticket" grocery items whenever I see coupon pages. What a beautiful idea. Love it.

[-] I need to get into a cardiologist, and soonishly. I've had an irregular heartbeat for as long as I can remember (steady over the years, but nothing terrible) but the frequency has really intensified in the past, say, six to nine months (to the point where it's really annoying and slightly painful). One of these days I really need to get this checked out. I'm sure it's nothing, but it is rather obnoxious.

[-] If you're on G+, you've probably read all about our issues with A Particular Attorney Regarding A Particular Issue. I can't kick it all out here (i.e., publicly) for the obvious reasons, but UGH. This is a case-in-point example as to what's wrong with The System. *sigh*

But enough plus-ing and minus-ing, I've got laundry to fold and general house clean up to which I must attend. Sunshine's med schedule has us getting up before (okay, at) 5AM every day so I try to slather on the zzz's where I can get 'em. Early bedtime FTW, right?

<3

Oh, and hey...can you believe I'll be 31 in 15 days?! 31 is the new 21, right? Right? *cough*
And entirely unrelated, but the subject line of this entry is from this song. I am wholly and unapologetically obsessed with this song, as a matter of fact. Oh.so.good.

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I, like so many, many women before me and so many, many women to come, am the mother of a child who never graced this earth.

I won't rehash the details. If you know me well, you know them well enough anyway. But to say it was painful...yeah, that's an epic understatement.

This loss--which rocked me to the ultimate core of my being--showed me a lot about myself. In many ways, I'm *still* working on the "new" me, trying to figure out my role in this world with this added element irreversibly attached to my soul. But I made it. I lived through it.

I truly felt as though a part of me died that winter. I was so happy to be with my three loves (keep in mind this is pre-LF and pre-Sunshine), but I couldn't have felt more...desolate. I remember sitting on our bed in the bedroom, staring out the window and watching the snow pile up. We lived in a newly developed area, so instead of trees, there were miles upon miles of skies. Nothing to break up the land-to-skyscape other than the sporadic house or two. Just space. Empty atmosphere. A thin line, a thick divide. I sat there, on our bed, in the dark, with tears pouring effortlessly down my face, night after night after night. And I felt like that every.single.day of that season. I felt like getting dressed was too taxing. I felt like leaving the house was too overwhelming. A pregnant woman in a grocery store could trigger hours of crying. It was hard. And it stayed hard for a very, very long time. Beyond that season, and the next. But is got better. It really did. It just took a serious amount of time and patience (which I tend to lack in the most basic sense, but hey...it is what it is).

You can never possibly "get it" if you haven't lived it. When being a mother is the desire of your very soul--the role in life you live for beyond any other--but you are only able to relish that opportunity for a moment before it's seemingly snatched away, there's no real way to describe it. Sure, anyone could be empathetic, but if you've never lived it, you'll never understand it. So reader, if you're here with me tonight, I'm sorry you have to understand it. I'm so, so, so sorry. I wish you didn't have to "get it". I wish you couldn't possibly fathom the loss.

But I want to switch gears now. I want to move from the painful to the positive.

Someone who since became a close, amazing, inspirational friend (and he knows who he is!) quite possibly pulled me through the dark almost independently. Actually, by now he's more like family (and the kind of family you actually like, too! than a "friend". He shared with me his own grief--his own loss far more substantial than my own (although he never made my loss seem trivial in any way, shape or form)--and in turn provided an outlet for me to start the slow process of rebuilding, reconstructing.

And it was a slow process. And in many ways it still is.

But aside from the constant validation of my grief (which I so very desperately needed), he never tried to "fix it away". He helped me learn to maneuver through it, to ride many waves of incredibly insensitive comments, to take time to feel whatever I needed to feel. You know, you think you know this stuff...I mean, it's a basic response to grief, no? Well, sort of. It's not that easy when you're so convoluted and twisted and lost. It's hard to separate your sense of self from your sense of overwhelming emptiness. But above all, he stopped me from attempting (repeatedly, might I add) to set arbitrary "end times" to my grief. This--perhaps more than any of the many other lessons I learned from him--was the most instrumental.

I no longer spend my days racked with grief, but that's not to say I'm "over it". Or even that I'm "fine". Sometimes the loss is still so tangible that I can taste it. And when that happens, I take some time and work through it however I need to do so. I am wholly unapologetic about this, although it's taken me years to get to that point.

So if you've endured this sort of loss and subsequently found this entry through a search engine, a linked post, a friend of a friend, etc., please know that wherever you're feeling is okay. However long it takes to feel "normal", however long you need or want to grieve...it's all okay. The beautiful thing about the internet is that we're all connected through a couple of keystrokes. If you're feeling lost, please know there are so many of us walking this path with you, willing to help, willing to lend a shoulder when it all gets to be too much. As long as you're grieving safely, you're not "doing it wrong". And even if it seems like it, you couldn't be any further from "alone".

Tonight, I will light my candle as I do every year on this date. I will light it for my Bean, and for all of you who are grieving the loss of your own precious babies. I light it in honor of those lost, of course, but also in hope that in some small way...this tiny light will travel to those who need it--those who are overcome by grief, those who are ankle, knee, or waist deep in loss and longing--and break apart the empty feeling of singularity so that the sense of solidarity will prevail. You are not alone. <3